IC INBOX for The Last Voyages

[magician_king]

You know what to do.

Comments

[magician_king]

Kind of a little, I guess. It's weird though. Breaches don't sink into every single person exactly the same way?

[He doesn't know.]

I don't want to be weird to him.

[tucky]

I know what you mean. And it's harder if you do feel weird, right?

[magician_king]

I feel like- nine thousand percent invested. Like I want to go crawl into our familiar bed with him and feel his arm around me.

[Needless to say, this is not an appropriate thing to want or do.]

God.

[tucky]

Does that stuff fade for you, or is it gonna stick around?

[magician_king]

It fades. Ish. I never really forget, but I'll probably be able to be chill in a couple of weeks or so.

[Reminding himself forcibly, this will pass.]

[tucky]

Mm.

So if Jedao's flirting with him, does that mean you... can't? I mean-- I ain't suggesting you try to start something just because of the breach, I wouldn't wanna do that if I was you either, just-- I don't know how y'all work.

[magician_king]

We don't have a default for how it works. We just talk to one another about how it would be if it happened. But I don't think I could cope at that at all right now. I'd melt down if he smiled at me.

[Drawing in a hitching breath.]

Is there tissue somewhere?

[tucky]

Yeah, here.

[She grabs a box off the desk and, wanting to hand it over without getting into his personal space, scoots it across the floor toward him.]

Shit, Quentin; I'm sorry.

[magician_king]

No, no, I'm the asshole hung up on an imaginary life.

[He says, grabbing the box, tugging out a tissue and blowing his nose. He isn't crying, he's just kind of getting- facially wet.]

Gross, sorry.

[tucky]

You're not an asshole, and it was real to you. You don't got anything to be sorry for, or feel stupid for, or anything.

[magician_king]

[He looks up at her, with naked gratitude in his expression.]

I feel crazy.

[Letting out a wobbly little breath.]

[tucky]

I know how it feels to feel like everybody else is getting over stuff that you can't.

[She pulls her legs up onto her chair, wrapping her arms around them.]

You're not crazy at all. Your heart just cares about stuff your head feels like it shouldn't. That doesn't mean your heart is wrong.

[magician_king]

Shit. I'm sorry for being kind of an asshole about it. Last time we talked.

[He feels like he needs to say.]

I think I maybe came down a little heavy. I'm very head first, heart distant last, so much of the time, and I feel like if you were giving me a taste of my own medicine right now-

Well, thanks.

[tucky]

You weren't really. I mean-- I didn't agree with you, but you didn't make me feel stupid or crazy. And other people have sometimes.

You seem like you have a big heart to me, Quentin. And you got a right to feel whatever you're feeling right now.

[So does Larry, of course, and that holds true even if he decides he feels like forgetting the breach ever happened - but Tiffany doesn't think Quentin would argue that, so it goes unsaid.]

You know, I've only had people I loved a few times in breaches? And not for a long time, unless the Mirror Barge counts.

[magician_king]

[His expression softens a little further- more gratitude. He's glad he didn't accidentally hurt her. He can sometimes run towards the obtuse, even with people he cares about.

The topic change is a blessing.]

When was your last one?

[tucky]

Besides the Mirror Barge? Um--

[She frowns slightly, thinking back.]

Jesus, it was years ago. The one where we were in England and there were zombies? Were you here for that? I had brothers and parents. Mostly I get brothers for breaches.

[magician_king]

Eggsy.

[He remembers that world, and can't help but smile.]

I was married to Nina, that time. God, I miss her too. Both of them.

[tucky]

[God, Nina. She closes her eyes for a moment.]

Me, too. I was really close with Nina for a while, when she was new, and I knew Eggsy for years.

Does it help or hurt to think about the people you miss?

[magician_king]

You know, she stayed with me for awhile. She drew the strangest pictures all over my walls. They're still there- in the living room.

[Blowing his nose again, but this time more in the spirit of recovery than because he's really under it.]

Eggsy was the one who got me into running. I'd never jogged a day in my life before I met him.

But yeah. It does help. They were so good- and it was so nice to have them here, you know? I learned so much from them both.

[tucky]

[A smile flickers across her face.]

Yeah, actually, me too. Didn't draw on my walls, though.

Did you get to tell them that, and thank them? Or did you not figure it out until after?

[magician_king]

I think I did?

[He says, rallying a little at that question.]

It doesn't come naturally all the time, so I work really hard to explicitly tell people things like that, when I notice myself feeling them.

[She may have noticed this about him herself, lately.]

Do it consciously and then it becomes habit, you know?

[tucky]

Yeah. That's something I think about a lot, 'cause I don't always notice at the time, or like-- appreciate it. Or I haven't always, anyway. The last time we had an open network day I made a big post about all the things I wish I'd said to people when they were here, just in case any of them saw it.

[She curls a little tighter into herself, resting her cheek on her knee, and when she speaks again her voice is quieter.]

I really hurt Nina.

[magician_king]

She- moved in with me right after. From yours to my guest room.

[He admits, just as quietly.]

I never asked what happened, and she never talked about it.

[But it feels wrong to pretend he wasn't there, wasn't tangentially involved, even in just giving Nina a soft landing afterwards.]

[tucky]

I don't remember what started it, like, specifically - like what thing or what person. But I made her feel not safe and not cared about, because of who I talked to and hung out with and liked. She didn't like that I could-- I don't wanna say forgive, because I think I gotta be the victim of something to forgive or not forgive it; otherwise it ain't my place. She didn't like what I could look past. And I get it. Last month I almost stopped hanging out with Rhys over some shit with Betelgeuse. But--

[She pauses for a moment, steadying her voice; her breath.]

I don't wanna change that part of who I am, but sometimes I think about how if Nina was here now, she would be so horrified by me.

[magician_king]

[That makes him choke on a laugh, because;]

Sorry. I just- I catch a lot of flack for that too, at home.

[He doesn't want to get into all of it, all the what, all the who, but.]

To me it's like- it'd be life shattering not to, you know? Like, I am here as a warden, because I believe everyone on this boat has the potential for good. If I don't believe they can be redeemed then we're just fucking torturing them for dumb fun. If I do believe in the barge and that change is possible for each and every one of them, I have to extend that philosophy through my relationships, and yeah, so and so might have such and suched at a certain point in time, but I'm going to be polite to them in the dining hall and have a relationship premised more on who they might become than where they've come from. Not like, being a doormat, but giving more leeway than I'd normally give to the occasional psychopath. I feel like if I'm getting this deal- these deals, fingers crossed, then the price of that is to put up with a fair amount of bullshit during that process.

I'm just being gossipy now, but- what happened with Betelgeuse and Rhys?