They're curled together in Quentin's bed, past the panting into the lazy part of the afterglow. Jedao presses a kiss to Quentin's bare shoulder and breaks the moment, because it's easier to talk about hard things when it's harder to think.
"I'm going to pull the trigger on my memories. Soon."
"Fives got six hours of sleep last night," Jedao says, which is...one of the signs he's been waiting for. "He's getting closer with his inmate, which means he feels less helpless and has more to do. I just -"
He takes a shuddery breath. He was putting it off, again and again, but the incident with Quentin and the fucking survey has put the fear of it in him properly again. He needs to do this. However awful it is, whatever he becomes, however broken and hazardous - he needs to have all his own pieces.
Whenever he lets himself think about it at all, he realizes he's hanging on by his fingernails.
"Okay. If I'm there holding your hand are you more comforted by my calm and adoring energy, or panicked about the pressure of needing to protect me from whatever ugliness kicks up in the aftermath?"
Glancing down at him, now through his glasses, utterly non-judgemental.
He breathes. He's not sure if it's a matter of more, or of panic. He is scared of hurting Quentin - Quentin who's already managed to trip the memories once when they weren't even there - but he wouldn't be feeling panic in the moment if Quentin was there anyway.
He'd just know, later, that he'd been selfish. More selfish than the person he wants to be, whether Quentin would want it or not.
And the other part of him, the squirming part, just wants to hide, wants literally as few people as possible to see him in a state he can't predict.
"I think -" and he doesn't want to say the bald I don't want you there, no matter how good Quentin is being about it. And part of him does. "I think the costs outweigh the benefits," Jedao settles on, swallowing, which is the truth without having to fully explain.
"I love you so much," Jedao whispers fiercely afterward. He suspects that he will be volatile. He suspects that he will lash out unexpectedly, that he will treat Quentin badly sometimes in ways he does not remotely deserve, but that he will grovel and Quentin will forgive him.
In his secret, most terrified heart, part of him worries he will be volatile and violent, and that Quentin will end it, despite everything, as clean as a stroke of a sword blade.
You can't be here and be like that, Quentin told him, months ago when Jedao pulled his gun - he hadn't even want to use it, just feel it, just to have it, the key to a doorway out that goes nowhere here, but even looking at the key is comforting.
You can't be here and be like that. Jedao has never forgotten.
He does not imagine there will be, that there could be, any minuscule part of him that wouldn't want Quentin.
Quentin thinks about the gun sometimes. He thinks about going back, and trying to explain- that it was the kind of wrong where if he'd let it go, he'd have been forced to lose something of himself. That it would do a kind of damage that he will never allow Jedao to do to him. Mostly for Jedao's sake, at that.
Mostly, though, he feels like they're past it. So he just leans in, and gives him a warm kiss hello.
"Text me when it starts so I'll know I'm waiting."
Jedao doesn't think of it often. He's simply incorporated it as a parameter. But going forward, he can't trust himself. He might not accept the parameters he does now.
Jedao sighs into his mouth, lets himself savor the kiss, lets himself relax and draw reassurance from it. "I will," he promises.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2018-09-15 05:07 am (UTC)"I'm going to pull the trigger on my memories. Soon."
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Date: 2018-09-15 05:13 am (UTC)Says Quentin, who's down about thirty iq points right now, and paws around for his lost glasses in the sheets when he realizes,
"Oh boy. The time is right?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 05:31 am (UTC)He takes a shuddery breath. He was putting it off, again and again, but the incident with Quentin and the fucking survey has put the fear of it in him properly again. He needs to do this. However awful it is, whatever he becomes, however broken and hazardous - he needs to have all his own pieces.
Whenever he lets himself think about it at all, he realizes he's hanging on by his fingernails.
"I have to."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 05:35 am (UTC)Glancing down at him, now through his glasses, utterly non-judgemental.
"I feel like you could swing either way."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 05:44 am (UTC)He'd just know, later, that he'd been selfish. More selfish than the person he wants to be, whether Quentin would want it or not.
And the other part of him, the squirming part, just wants to hide, wants literally as few people as possible to see him in a state he can't predict.
"I think -" and he doesn't want to say the bald I don't want you there, no matter how good Quentin is being about it. And part of him does. "I think the costs outweigh the benefits," Jedao settles on, swallowing, which is the truth without having to fully explain.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 05:47 am (UTC)He imagines a few hours, a day spent with Fives. No part of him braces for anything worse than that.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 06:00 am (UTC)In his secret, most terrified heart, part of him worries he will be volatile and violent, and that Quentin will end it, despite everything, as clean as a stroke of a sword blade.
You can't be here and be like that, Quentin told him, months ago when Jedao pulled his gun - he hadn't even want to use it, just feel it, just to have it, the key to a doorway out that goes nowhere here, but even looking at the key is comforting.
You can't be here and be like that. Jedao has never forgotten.
He does not imagine there will be, that there could be, any minuscule part of him that wouldn't want Quentin.
"I will," he promises. "I'll call you."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 10:43 am (UTC)Mostly, though, he feels like they're past it. So he just leans in, and gives him a warm kiss hello.
"Text me when it starts so I'll know I'm waiting."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-15 10:58 pm (UTC)Jedao sighs into his mouth, lets himself savor the kiss, lets himself relax and draw reassurance from it. "I will," he promises.