[Dillon flinches, just a little. Bites his cheek and forces his body, in spite of itself, to let it bleed. The one thing he'd wanted so desperately, and that he had to learn to stop reaching for. He misses Tessic, suddenly, even more than his real parents, Tessic who built his vault prison and Tessic who lead him to drown in the memories of death camps. Tessic who believed in him, even if it was for the wrong reasons.]
I get scared, with that many conditions.
[He is proud of how even he keeps his voice.]
Or saying they have to love anyone. But - it'd be good. It'd be good if we could know none of them were going to end up clueless and alone.
Clueless maybe, but at least living a life with a kind of upwards buouyancy. Not to say it isn't terribly common for good people to do things that turn out awfully, but I think everyone is at least a little different when they're trying.
But then again, [a self-aware little smile] maybe mine is not the word you should be taking for it.
I think. That I definitely need to listen to people that aren't just my own fears, so.
Do you think -
[What exactly does he want to ask - and, well, there's a lot there, isn't there. Because people are different when they're trying, and sometimes that turns out worse, which Dillon knows more about than he'd like. And there's the wry little self-deprecation -]
Do you think you should have been demoted?
[Very direct, this. Not quite blunt, not at all aggressive. Just the plain and tactless question.]
It's hard to understand how I could have been a warden if I deserved to be demoted. I can see why I am where I am now, but I feel as though- I've always been this way.
[It's more complicated than that, but he can't find his way through it.]
I was in over my head. Stuff had happened here that brought up things from back home that I'd kind of hoped were far behind me. I was drinking a lot, and the PTSD support group hadn't started up yet-
[The roundabout ways you have to admit these things.]
Not that I'd have come here in the first place if I realized this was all coming back for me. But before I got here, I felt okay. Then when I wasn't any more, it was too late.
[The one thing he's really, truly angry with the Admiral about - which he mostly just doesn't let himself consider - is that being kicked home with no warning meant he abandoned Shelton. Even if Dillon is pretty sure he wasn't properly dead, and never should have been an inmate at all - he deserved the chance to heal, deserved not to be jerked around by it and ultimately sent back to war with nothing to show for his time. But there's nothing he can do about that, and being angry isn't useful, so - mostly he puts it aside.]
I don't want this to be a game of, like, guess-the-admiral's-reasons. That's probably not a useful rabbit hole. But I think it's worth considering, that when you first came here, you had. Risk factors, and things to offer. And if you ended up - in over your head, and made some bad choices - you can be the same person, I mean. All of those things can still be true.
It just kind of complicates this 'redeemed' 'notredeemed' binary, doesn't it? He can't want us to understand shades of grey and then sort us into black and white categories.
[The kind of logical inconsistency that can make Quentin fume.]
I don't think you need to be redeemed. Some inmates do, but you don't really. I think you just need help. And you weren't getting it as a warden. And you knew that.
[Quentin asked for help, before it all went down - told the rest of the wardens he wasn't handling things okay - and hadn't gotten a response. Not enough of one.]
That sounds awful to say.
[A little bit for your own good, a little bit you chose this. Neither is remotely just. Neither is completely wrong.]
But my point is - I don't think they're categories that are, are even trying to be about something you are. 'Redeemed' is easy for us to write on a pamphlet, even though we all know there aren't really any generalizations that work. Easy for him to say when he's being a flippant jackass at people yelling at him. But they're just - different jobs. Different limitations, but different support, too. They've never really been black and white, even if they are...binary. They're just the categories the barge has for how to deal with people.
[I want someone to have lunch with me, he'd said, months into his confinement in the vault of an old nuclear plant, all isolation and straightjackets and electric shocks, when the third-richest man in the world stopped by to ask if there was anything he could do for Dillon. Just - a person. Something. Maddie had been good for him, but she hadn't given him the help he really needed. It was Abigail who did that, his baby serial killer best friend, from the first minute he set foot on the barge. He got very lucky, with her.]
You mentioned Alec's support group. Are you planning to go?
[He says, a tiny bit breathless with relief at just the thought.]
It's that or just keep visiting Lark, and I am like, one convincing speech away from being sucked into some kind of world destroying power play by either him or Bill. I've got a good head on my shoulders for that kind of thing but they're also both really nice about paying attention to me. In a cult leadery kind of way.
[Well, he's become self-aware with age, give him that.]
[He says quietly, dropping his eyes for a second. Some of it, with Okoya, is still hard to think about. It doesn't - destabilize him any more, doesn't have ongoing repercussions. But that doesn't make it less painful.]
I'd. Really like if you didn't have to go through that.
[The rest of it - the consequences - it's just clean-up, and Dillon is, maybe optimistically, sure he can handle almost anything, in the long term. But he doesn't want it to happen to Quentin, as much as through him or for him.]
It won't be professional, obviously, but I think it will be good. Alec is - he's worked his way through a lot, and I trust him.
Yeah, I'm actively trying to avoid it too. That's why I mention it. I wonder if it'd be worth it if you casually mentioned to them that you know that I know what they're up to?
Definitely go for it with Bill. Maybe don't bother with Lark, he's way more territorial but also a lot more, like, intuitive. He already kind of knows.
Well. Are you a member of the fun trauma club?
[He asks, because;]
I'd like to have someone to sit with but I don't want to waste your time.
[Dillon hates - making it about him, but he also thinks, maybe, the way Quentin says waste your time, the way he said I never really connected with people - maybe it's right to share a little more, group or not.]
I almost threw up last month when Odd made me a home-cooked breakfast. We talked before about - people that are real, in other worlds? We had a Hannibal Lecter on the ship, for a while. He had me for - most of a month. With my powers locked down just enough that he could do almost anything and I'd survive to feel it.
So.
I already promised Alec I'd go. But if you wanted - separate spaces, I don't know. I'd have skipped some for you.
Is it stupid if I say, the barge is the first place I ever had friends?
[Because there's a dozen reasons, but that's the first one, that's the one that presses hardest against his ribs. Even if it sounds horribly childish, coming out of his mouth.]
Hannibal wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me. Not even close, screw him. He's just - the thing I haven't figured out how to deal with yet. And the barge gave me a lot more than it cost. I know that's not - you, not a lot of people. But when I couldn't control my power....everything was, was falling apart, everything I tried to do turned out worse. The barge could make me helpless, but it could also hit pause on that. Let me breathe, let me learn.
And, also.
[His mouth quirks a little, helpless, chagrinned, because he is aware of the parallel -]
I am maybe a little bit hiding from my resurrected girlfriend. I mean, not hiding. I am giving her space. Since she's still fourteen, and I did technically kill her last month from her perspective, and also, can feel me from the other side of the planet.
[Resurrected and enraged at him for doing so, twenty four to his thirty. Finding her own feet in humanity, while he passes some time here to let her get some space, let himself grow.]
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magician_king) wrote2020-01-12 01:19 pm
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I get scared, with that many conditions.
[He is proud of how even he keeps his voice.]
Or saying they have to love anyone. But - it'd be good. It'd be good if we could know none of them were going to end up clueless and alone.
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But then again, [a self-aware little smile] maybe mine is not the word you should be taking for it.
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Do you think -
[What exactly does he want to ask - and, well, there's a lot there, isn't there. Because people are different when they're trying, and sometimes that turns out worse, which Dillon knows more about than he'd like. And there's the wry little self-deprecation -]
Do you think you should have been demoted?
[Very direct, this. Not quite blunt, not at all aggressive. Just the plain and tactless question.]
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[Because;]
It's hard to understand how I could have been a warden if I deserved to be demoted. I can see why I am where I am now, but I feel as though- I've always been this way.
[It's more complicated than that, but he can't find his way through it.]
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I thought I should have been an inmate from the beginning.
[He admits. It's - since Lourdes came, maybe, that he started to consider otherwise.]
Well, what were you like, as a warden?
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[He says, right away.]
I was in over my head. Stuff had happened here that brought up things from back home that I'd kind of hoped were far behind me. I was drinking a lot, and the PTSD support group hadn't started up yet-
[The roundabout ways you have to admit these things.]
Not that I'd have come here in the first place if I realized this was all coming back for me. But before I got here, I felt okay. Then when I wasn't any more, it was too late.
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[Not that it really matters. But it does, too. When he realized, and why.]
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[And no way in hell was Quentin going to be one more of them.]
Friends, too.
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[The one thing he's really, truly angry with the Admiral about - which he mostly just doesn't let himself consider - is that being kicked home with no warning meant he abandoned Shelton. Even if Dillon is pretty sure he wasn't properly dead, and never should have been an inmate at all - he deserved the chance to heal, deserved not to be jerked around by it and ultimately sent back to war with nothing to show for his time. But there's nothing he can do about that, and being angry isn't useful, so - mostly he puts it aside.]
I don't want this to be a game of, like, guess-the-admiral's-reasons. That's probably not a useful rabbit hole. But I think it's worth considering, that when you first came here, you had. Risk factors, and things to offer. And if you ended up - in over your head, and made some bad choices - you can be the same person, I mean. All of those things can still be true.
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[The kind of logical inconsistency that can make Quentin fume.]
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[Quentin asked for help, before it all went down - told the rest of the wardens he wasn't handling things okay - and hadn't gotten a response. Not enough of one.]
That sounds awful to say.
[A little bit for your own good, a little bit you chose this. Neither is remotely just. Neither is completely wrong.]
But my point is - I don't think they're categories that are, are even trying to be about something you are. 'Redeemed' is easy for us to write on a pamphlet, even though we all know there aren't really any generalizations that work. Easy for him to say when he's being a flippant jackass at people yelling at him. But they're just - different jobs. Different limitations, but different support, too. They've never really been black and white, even if they are...binary. They're just the categories the barge has for how to deal with people.
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I don't think I ever connected with people as well as I would have needed to to have help like that. Does that make sense? I was closest with Nina.
[And she's long gone now.]
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[I want someone to have lunch with me, he'd said, months into his confinement in the vault of an old nuclear plant, all isolation and straightjackets and electric shocks, when the third-richest man in the world stopped by to ask if there was anything he could do for Dillon. Just - a person. Something. Maddie had been good for him, but she hadn't given him the help he really needed. It was Abigail who did that, his baby serial killer best friend, from the first minute he set foot on the barge. He got very lucky, with her.]
You mentioned Alec's support group. Are you planning to go?
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[He says, a tiny bit breathless with relief at just the thought.]
It's that or just keep visiting Lark, and I am like, one convincing speech away from being sucked into some kind of world destroying power play by either him or Bill. I've got a good head on my shoulders for that kind of thing but they're also both really nice about paying attention to me. In a cult leadery kind of way.
[Well, he's become self-aware with age, give him that.]
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I've been there.
[He says quietly, dropping his eyes for a second. Some of it, with Okoya, is still hard to think about. It doesn't - destabilize him any more, doesn't have ongoing repercussions. But that doesn't make it less painful.]
I'd. Really like if you didn't have to go through that.
[The rest of it - the consequences - it's just clean-up, and Dillon is, maybe optimistically, sure he can handle almost anything, in the long term. But he doesn't want it to happen to Quentin, as much as through him or for him.]
It won't be professional, obviously, but I think it will be good. Alec is - he's worked his way through a lot, and I trust him.
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Independently. They don't know one another.
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I'll need some time to work out how to say it without threats. Or at least without stupid ones.
[Dillon knows neither of them would take thatwell, either, but he also knows himself. If he tried to talk to them today, that's what would come out.]
Do you want me to be at the group when you are?
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Well. Are you a member of the fun trauma club?
[He asks, because;]
I'd like to have someone to sit with but I don't want to waste your time.
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I almost threw up last month when Odd made me a home-cooked breakfast. We talked before about - people that are real, in other worlds? We had a Hannibal Lecter on the ship, for a while. He had me for - most of a month. With my powers locked down just enough that he could do almost anything and I'd survive to feel it.
So.
I already promised Alec I'd go. But if you wanted - separate spaces, I don't know. I'd have skipped some for you.
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[Says Quentin, and doesn't over react, which is his gift. He sorts quietly through the implications thereof and bites his bottom lip, and decides;]
So you should come for sure. And I'll be relieved to have the company, personally.
But why are you back, knowing that all can happen?
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[Because there's a dozen reasons, but that's the first one, that's the one that presses hardest against his ribs. Even if it sounds horribly childish, coming out of his mouth.]
Hannibal wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me. Not even close, screw him. He's just - the thing I haven't figured out how to deal with yet. And the barge gave me a lot more than it cost. I know that's not - you, not a lot of people. But when I couldn't control my power....everything was, was falling apart, everything I tried to do turned out worse. The barge could make me helpless, but it could also hit pause on that. Let me breathe, let me learn.
And, also.
[His mouth quirks a little, helpless, chagrinned, because he is aware of the parallel -]
I am maybe a little bit hiding from my resurrected girlfriend. I mean, not hiding. I am giving her space. Since she's still fourteen, and I did technically kill her last month from her perspective, and also, can feel me from the other side of the planet.
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[He says, faltering on that, because;]
Did Alice make it in my file?
[Resurrected and enraged at him for doing so, twenty four to his thirty. Finding her own feet in humanity, while he passes some time here to let her get some space, let himself grow.]
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Not, like, explicitly anybody's feelings about anything. But enough of what happened to put a picture together.
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[Something to fix wouldn't be enough, alone.]
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[There might be exceptions, but Dillon can't think of them off the top of his head. Except graduates, sort of, but that's a different situation.]
Also, this is kind of a personal sideline, but what are your thoughts on, uh, researching me?
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