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magician_kingCW: mental health, nsfw content, medication, substance addiction, ptsd
Kept for Jedao
Jan 1st
Mood: 2
Energy: 6
Today we moved the fish in. It's good to have you back- and it's good that it isn't all exactly the same, either. Life returning entirely to normal would feel too much like pretending it had never happened.
Jan 2nd
Mood: 2
Energy: 4
Oof, leaving port behind is never easy, and I'm feeling the difference on board between the temperature on deck and the temperature on the beach. Sometimes when I'm trying not to drink it's easier to smoke- another terrible habit, but a much less overtly destructive one. Well- it's terrible for your health in the long term actually but it isn't the worst crutch in the world. I promise I'll quit in february.
Jan 3
Mood: 3
Energy: 5
Fuck Fives is fun when he's learning something new. Have you noticed that? It's like he can't understand it fast enough, or someone will steal it out from under him when he's trying to absorb it, and like he can't blink to laugh.
Jan 3
Mood: 5
Energy: 2
Tris's birthday. DID YOU KNOW HARRY IS YOUNGER THAN ME?
Too tired to write fill this in tomorrow.
Jan 4
Mood: 4
Energy: 4
I really like that I'm getting along so much better with Tris lately. We had our huge fight about three years ago now, and nothing super bad happened since, just us being wary and reactive around one another, but lately it feels like we've turned a corner into genuinely enjoying one another's company. I used to be Okay With It For Fives even when we were both working in the library when all those books ate people, but now I like, want to ask what she thinks about recent social developments. It helped a lot yesterday, realizing just how young she is too- I knew she wasn't my age but when she lost her temper with me post demotion she was a genuine kid. We're all a little socially unaware when we're teenagers and she had absolutely no way of knowing she was twisting the knife. I'd already forgiven her I guess but maybe I hadn't entirely understood.
Do you ever feel like everyone around you are absolutely babies? I'm 35 slash one millenia and I feel every white hair these days.
Jan 5
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
I made you laugh today.
Jan 8
Mood: 3
Energy: 2
Missed a couple of days. Low ebb I guess. Hovered at around a 2 & 2 for most of it. Having a hard time making it to the gym.
Jan 10
Mood: 1
Energy: 2
I'm not ready to talk about it. I can barely write about it.
Jan 12
Mood: 4
Energy: 4
Okay, up and out, it feels like. There's a new flood on- sharing feelings, fun, so that's good timing to be mostly through it.
Jan 13
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
When I wasn't writing, I was thinking a lot about my mother and father. My father died the year before I came on board, and I worry about my mother a lot. They were intense with each other, caught up in each other's lives to the point where having me present compromised their happiness, since it represented time they weren't having to themselves. Without him, I don't know what her life is going to be like, and I don't know what is says about me that I don't plan on being there to help. When I was feeling what you like to call 'pessimistic' about Fives forgiving me for yelling at you part of me was like, okay, maybe I'll go home and be a good son, build a relationship with her. She would never care about what I have to say enough to be hurt by it. Sorry this sounds terrible, but if this is a mood journal I probably need to be self aware about the fact that I'm ruminating.
Jan 15
Mood: 5
Energy: 5
Okay now I now how strongly you feel about chickens but I do not 100% understand why. I think I'm just gonna have to see it when I get there.
Jan 17
Mood: 6
Energy: 4
Yesterday was the nicest night I've ever had. Not something I thought I'd ever be able to say about the day I got knifed. I was too tired to write in the end but I ended the day feeling amazing. Thank you.
Jan 18
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Had a fight with Azula online. If I'm stroppy enough to bicker with people on the network that's a good sign I'm going up.
Jan 19
Mood: 4
Energy: 7
I'm not feeling great but I am feeling energetic. Started a HUGE cleaning project with maintenance today, a lot of marshalling and pairing people up.
Jan 20
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Gave you this today. A big part of me was scared you'd take it as an insult, but you heard it just how I meant it. I'm grateful for how much you see of me.
Jan 21
Mood: 5
Energy: 5
Hey FYI I gave the frogs to Taura. They were cute but we have so many pets already. I haven't been tracking numbers so much because I feel like I'm just coasting on everyone else's feelings.
Jan 22
Mood: 5
Energy: 6
Taura's really great, hey?
Jan 23
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
This guy in the mess hall ate a sandwich entirely with his eyes closed. It was really weird.
Jan 25
Mood: 5
Energy: 6
Thank fuck the flood's done, christ.
Jan 27
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Mayakovsky, that teacher of mine you didn't like, got me drunk once after I'd graduated. We went down into his catacombs, me and Plum (I don't think I've ever talked to you about her- tomorrow) and he had this piano that played your heart to you.
Jan 28
Mood: 6
Energy: 8
Plum was my special project student. Fifth year whose thesis I was supervising when I still taught. I was fired, she was expelled, in one fell swoop. Afterwards we met up on the same black market job. Did you know I worked on the magical black market for awhile? I come off pretty prim but I was in a pretty genuine organized crime ring for a bit. Our boss was a talking bird. It double crossed us and got half the ring killed so I grabbed it by the feet and threw it out a window- it was a whole thing.
Jan 29
Mood: 7
Energy: 7
You know I had to work my way into my magical crime ring by cheating at cards?
Jan 30
Mood: 6
Energy: 6
I like Bucky more than I thought I did.
Jan 31
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
We're having kinky sex again and I highly approve.
I still get a little nervous I'm going to hurt you or go too far- especially since we're now rather more aware that I'm very capable of doing so. I try to take the fear and fold it up and swallow it before I find you, because I know what you need is not to have to make the call, but fuck, it feels like skydiving. I would rather hurt myself a hundred times over than accidentally hurt you. I feel like my heart would fucking break. But it's this kind of paradoxical trap where the best partner I can be is one who takes the risk for you. If it happens I feel like you're resilient enough to recover, and I'm going to have to learn to be too.
Feb 1
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
PAIRED. Rawne, of fucking course.
Feb 2
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
It went exactly right. I'm having him read his file to me paragraph by paragraph, so he doesn't feel out of control and I can ask questions, and it was- it was just one of those things I did exactly fucking right, you know? Good day.
Feb 3
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Hung out with Bill today. He's trying to build radar to see out into the black around us. He still has a really complicated relationship with this whole place- with the Admiral, with being out of control. But we had a nice moment. I said to please test it gently to make sure the ship didn't turn itself inside out or whatever in case it's allergic to radar and he agreed, and started coming up with a plan for a soft roll out. And really planning it, not just placating me. I didn't write about this, but last month he- fuck, I can't-
I think more highly of him than I used to or would based on his public persona.
Feb 4
Mood: 8
Energy: 7
I feel for Nico. His need for personal space feels like where mine would be if I had zero social support, had been more traumatized at an earlier age, and hadn't had the luxury of developing the coping skills I have. He's such a good kid. Young man, technically.
Feb 6
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
You posted on the network today about the clinic. I like the idea of you minding the whole ship. I'm glad you're sticking with it- I genuinely do need the help.
Feb 7
Mood: 4
Energy: 6
You talked to me today about sobriety. It was a lot. It meant a lot. Every day I feel grateful for how much you understand. It was a good first Serious Conversation Session. I learned some stuff about myself while we were in it- I don't like smelling food while it's on the table if I'm focusing on something? Even I didn't know that. My energy is up but I feel really shitty with some of the overstimulation stuff.
Feb 5
Mood: 10
Energy: 5
Tonight was the night Taura decided to come home with us. And you came up with the plan to get me the papers I need to do her magic. We were a team tonight, all four of us. I'm never going to forget the way you laughed when I made that joke though. Everything else was so huge and that moment was so tiny. You didn't see it but the plant on the windowsill burst into tendrils of joy. I harvested four seed pods later that night.
Feb 8
Mood: 5
Energy: 7
Sensitivity: 5
New category, for 'how much am I bothered by ticking clocks, how much am I bothered by the fish filter.'
I'm REALLY BOTHERED BY THE FISH FILTER. I'm expanding the spell on the wind chimes to it; I have a selective muteness rigged up on them both so I no longer perceive either, otherwise I'd never be able to be in the bedroom. Also I've cursed that one fuschia throw pillow so it's dove gray to me. I love you both more than life itself but your brains are the total opposite of my brain. It's a slippery slope I can't do it too much, but how in god's name did I fall so very in love with two men who are so particular to neon?
Feb 9
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 7
I don't want to write about Rhys much because I know-
But I spent the day with him talking about demotions and it felt like it just used up every piece of energy I had. I'm sleeping in the meditation room tonight.
Do you like it better or worse when I make up white lies to escape? It'd be so easy to just say I'm working on a spell, but I'm not, I'm blinking at the ceiling. I'm leaving out dinner for you both and a note explaining it's been a rough one.
Feb 10
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Sensitivity: 7
Ugh we'd talked about Fives carrying me across the threshhold into your rooms and I love the idea but I'm SO TWITCHY. Please wait it out with me. Maybe later this week.
Feb 11
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Sensitivity: 5
Just going ahead and taking the down time is way better than trying to muscle through it.
Unrelated but I need to figure out your scoldy name.
On earth we have a tradition where when someone is being exaspirating or should know better and you want to tell them so with love you call them their full name. My parents never gave me a middle name because it wasn't really their thing. I thought I'd take Garach eventually. So like when I am making you irate it would just be 'Quentin Garach Coldwater! You put that down right this instant.' You also used Shkan though right? Plans to be made for after one of us proposes. First nice port we get, I swear, J.
Feb 12
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 5
You let me get out of swordfighting today with a flimsy excuse that ended under my desk in the library. I hate swordfighting, and love you.
Feb 22
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 2
Fucking breaches.
Feb 23
Mood: 8
Energy: 5
Sensitivity: 2
Okay but the saving thing I can totally keep.
Feb 24
Mood: 8
Energy: 5
Sensitivity: 2
Today was the day we ate Nadia's christmas present to me. They were bagels from Brooklyn. I popped them in the freezer when everything was bullshit to save them for a good day and I was feeling extremely grateful this morning for both of you. I'm not sure you adequately appreciate how important capers are to the world but you were good about the salmon.
Feb 25
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Okay, tracking this is helping me realize that I actually feel really, really good lately. I bet you probably know more about this than me already but sometimes when you're down it can be hard to remember that you ever felt okay, so even when I have little moments of 'what the fuck am I doing' I can just look at this and feel better.
Feb 26
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Ugh I read the best book today. It was horrible, you'd have hated it with every bone in your body. Everyone was trapped on a passenger plane and when they woke up everyone who hadn't been asleep had totally vanished, it was only the people who were dreaming who survived the anomaly. Nothing at all was ever explained and everyone was horrible to each other throughout the entire ordeal. There was even a spy and he was terribly written.
I don't like upsetting books when I'm depressed so much as I like them when I'm on the other side of it and need to think back on the fog- which I did not know about myself.
Feb 28
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 2
Tup's here. I'm fucking exhausted. But happy for Fives! More tomorrow.
Feb 29
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Your face when I explained leap years.
March 1
Mood: 4
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
Okay so Tup. On the one hand, I'm extremely glad for Fives that he has someone from home around. I know he's been quiet about how hard it is to be without- well the foundation of his entire life- but that it's always been hard on him. On the other hand I'm terrified that the speed bumps we had mean that integrating the unit of us into the system of them is going to be harder than we've maybe chalked it up to be. Which, I guess it's just good to have a practice run at getting it right now- but it's still scary. You guys will have each other the first year or so while you're off on this campaign but I'm going to be back on our planet, right? I'll be the only non-clone probably in the entire world. Hopefully Tup's anxiety and stress are because he and Fives are close, not because of the concept of the relationship(s) in the abstract. Don't get me wrong- I can do it, even if it's the worst case scenario. But I'm not too proud to admit I'd be afraid.
March 2
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
I'm leveled out from the anxiety jag yesterday.
March 4
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Rawne is really great, you know?
March 5
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
Well, this was a little- different from the last time, but a classic case of it never rains but it pours. Dogma's on board. I called him Fives, then I called him Tup, and then I figured out he's someone else entirely. I'm stopping my other work and vanishing into the nametagging spell for clones for the next few days, if I don't get this underway right away I'm going to have an extremely awkward conversation very very soon.
March 6
Mood: 10
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Fuck I love magical problems. Tell me not to stop working on them please.
March 8
Mood: 9
Energy: 9
Sensitivity: 1
CRACKED IT. I am a motherfucking sorcerer.
March 9
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
It's funny seeing Fives with other clones. In contrast it makes me notice how little I notice of his physicality and how much I notice of his mannerisms. I confuse them way less than I thought I would. I mean I confuse Dogma for Tup constantly when I see them in passing but even a split second of watching them move and I know they're not our Fives. You know once in a while I shave him with a straight razor? God he's gorgeous.
He's nothing like them. Maybe it's partially all the time on board the boat- maybe it's how much he copies you. And me actually- boy do I ever see our mannerisms in him when he's held up against the others. I feel lucky.
March 10
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 1
You know I've always been resistant to medication because (from what little I know and I think you've already outstripped me) I would probably have to be on a mood stabilizer. I've had manic episodes in the past so I shouldn't do a straight anti-depressant. From what I know it can be really hard to find one that doesn't dull your positive emotions as well as round out the dips. I definitely would be scared of side effects when it comes to a) feeling foggy/stupid, b) not feeling joy, c) having my sex drive drop off, I already feel kind of self-conscious some days about being the iceberg in the triad. (Nothing either of you ever say or do, but it diminishing further would feel rough.)
MARC H 11
I am Quentin Coldwater and I am five years old. I am writin in this diary now because it is my diary not my home diary but that one is not here to writin so I will take this one. My favorite book is the Fillory and Further books. I think they are very fun and nice and good.
March 15
Mood: 8
Energy: 4
Sensitivity: 1
Well, that sure was a flood and a half. It kind of took it out of me. It's a hard age to think about being- the older one, not the one who followed you around like a shadow. I wasn't always good to the people who loved me at that age.
Kept for Jedao
Jan 1st
Mood: 2
Energy: 6
Today we moved the fish in. It's good to have you back- and it's good that it isn't all exactly the same, either. Life returning entirely to normal would feel too much like pretending it had never happened.
Jan 2nd
Mood: 2
Energy: 4
Oof, leaving port behind is never easy, and I'm feeling the difference on board between the temperature on deck and the temperature on the beach. Sometimes when I'm trying not to drink it's easier to smoke- another terrible habit, but a much less overtly destructive one. Well- it's terrible for your health in the long term actually but it isn't the worst crutch in the world. I promise I'll quit in february.
Jan 3
Mood: 3
Energy: 5
Fuck Fives is fun when he's learning something new. Have you noticed that? It's like he can't understand it fast enough, or someone will steal it out from under him when he's trying to absorb it, and like he can't blink to laugh.
Jan 3
Mood: 5
Energy: 2
Tris's birthday. DID YOU KNOW HARRY IS YOUNGER THAN ME?
Too tired to write fill this in tomorrow.
Jan 4
Mood: 4
Energy: 4
I really like that I'm getting along so much better with Tris lately. We had our huge fight about three years ago now, and nothing super bad happened since, just us being wary and reactive around one another, but lately it feels like we've turned a corner into genuinely enjoying one another's company. I used to be Okay With It For Fives even when we were both working in the library when all those books ate people, but now I like, want to ask what she thinks about recent social developments. It helped a lot yesterday, realizing just how young she is too- I knew she wasn't my age but when she lost her temper with me post demotion she was a genuine kid. We're all a little socially unaware when we're teenagers and she had absolutely no way of knowing she was twisting the knife. I'd already forgiven her I guess but maybe I hadn't entirely understood.
Do you ever feel like everyone around you are absolutely babies? I'm 35 slash one millenia and I feel every white hair these days.
Jan 5
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
I made you laugh today.
Jan 8
Mood: 3
Energy: 2
Missed a couple of days. Low ebb I guess. Hovered at around a 2 & 2 for most of it. Having a hard time making it to the gym.
Jan 10
Mood: 1
Energy: 2
I'm not ready to talk about it. I can barely write about it.
Jan 12
Mood: 4
Energy: 4
Okay, up and out, it feels like. There's a new flood on- sharing feelings, fun, so that's good timing to be mostly through it.
Jan 13
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
When I wasn't writing, I was thinking a lot about my mother and father. My father died the year before I came on board, and I worry about my mother a lot. They were intense with each other, caught up in each other's lives to the point where having me present compromised their happiness, since it represented time they weren't having to themselves. Without him, I don't know what her life is going to be like, and I don't know what is says about me that I don't plan on being there to help. When I was feeling what you like to call 'pessimistic' about Fives forgiving me for yelling at you part of me was like, okay, maybe I'll go home and be a good son, build a relationship with her. She would never care about what I have to say enough to be hurt by it. Sorry this sounds terrible, but if this is a mood journal I probably need to be self aware about the fact that I'm ruminating.
Jan 15
Mood: 5
Energy: 5
Okay now I now how strongly you feel about chickens but I do not 100% understand why. I think I'm just gonna have to see it when I get there.
Jan 17
Mood: 6
Energy: 4
Yesterday was the nicest night I've ever had. Not something I thought I'd ever be able to say about the day I got knifed. I was too tired to write in the end but I ended the day feeling amazing. Thank you.
Jan 18
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Had a fight with Azula online. If I'm stroppy enough to bicker with people on the network that's a good sign I'm going up.
Jan 19
Mood: 4
Energy: 7
I'm not feeling great but I am feeling energetic. Started a HUGE cleaning project with maintenance today, a lot of marshalling and pairing people up.
Jan 20
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Gave you this today. A big part of me was scared you'd take it as an insult, but you heard it just how I meant it. I'm grateful for how much you see of me.
Jan 21
Mood: 5
Energy: 5
Hey FYI I gave the frogs to Taura. They were cute but we have so many pets already. I haven't been tracking numbers so much because I feel like I'm just coasting on everyone else's feelings.
Jan 22
Mood: 5
Energy: 6
Taura's really great, hey?
Jan 23
Mood: 5
Energy: 4
This guy in the mess hall ate a sandwich entirely with his eyes closed. It was really weird.
Jan 25
Mood: 5
Energy: 6
Thank fuck the flood's done, christ.
Jan 27
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
Mayakovsky, that teacher of mine you didn't like, got me drunk once after I'd graduated. We went down into his catacombs, me and Plum (I don't think I've ever talked to you about her- tomorrow) and he had this piano that played your heart to you.
Jan 28
Mood: 6
Energy: 8
Plum was my special project student. Fifth year whose thesis I was supervising when I still taught. I was fired, she was expelled, in one fell swoop. Afterwards we met up on the same black market job. Did you know I worked on the magical black market for awhile? I come off pretty prim but I was in a pretty genuine organized crime ring for a bit. Our boss was a talking bird. It double crossed us and got half the ring killed so I grabbed it by the feet and threw it out a window- it was a whole thing.
Jan 29
Mood: 7
Energy: 7
You know I had to work my way into my magical crime ring by cheating at cards?
Jan 30
Mood: 6
Energy: 6
I like Bucky more than I thought I did.
Jan 31
Mood: 6
Energy: 7
We're having kinky sex again and I highly approve.
I still get a little nervous I'm going to hurt you or go too far- especially since we're now rather more aware that I'm very capable of doing so. I try to take the fear and fold it up and swallow it before I find you, because I know what you need is not to have to make the call, but fuck, it feels like skydiving. I would rather hurt myself a hundred times over than accidentally hurt you. I feel like my heart would fucking break. But it's this kind of paradoxical trap where the best partner I can be is one who takes the risk for you. If it happens I feel like you're resilient enough to recover, and I'm going to have to learn to be too.
Feb 1
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
PAIRED. Rawne, of fucking course.
Feb 2
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
It went exactly right. I'm having him read his file to me paragraph by paragraph, so he doesn't feel out of control and I can ask questions, and it was- it was just one of those things I did exactly fucking right, you know? Good day.
Feb 3
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Hung out with Bill today. He's trying to build radar to see out into the black around us. He still has a really complicated relationship with this whole place- with the Admiral, with being out of control. But we had a nice moment. I said to please test it gently to make sure the ship didn't turn itself inside out or whatever in case it's allergic to radar and he agreed, and started coming up with a plan for a soft roll out. And really planning it, not just placating me. I didn't write about this, but last month he- fuck, I can't-
I think more highly of him than I used to or would based on his public persona.
Feb 4
Mood: 8
Energy: 7
I feel for Nico. His need for personal space feels like where mine would be if I had zero social support, had been more traumatized at an earlier age, and hadn't had the luxury of developing the coping skills I have. He's such a good kid. Young man, technically.
Feb 6
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
You posted on the network today about the clinic. I like the idea of you minding the whole ship. I'm glad you're sticking with it- I genuinely do need the help.
Feb 7
Mood: 4
Energy: 6
You talked to me today about sobriety. It was a lot. It meant a lot. Every day I feel grateful for how much you understand. It was a good first Serious Conversation Session. I learned some stuff about myself while we were in it- I don't like smelling food while it's on the table if I'm focusing on something? Even I didn't know that. My energy is up but I feel really shitty with some of the overstimulation stuff.
Feb 5
Mood: 10
Energy: 5
Tonight was the night Taura decided to come home with us. And you came up with the plan to get me the papers I need to do her magic. We were a team tonight, all four of us. I'm never going to forget the way you laughed when I made that joke though. Everything else was so huge and that moment was so tiny. You didn't see it but the plant on the windowsill burst into tendrils of joy. I harvested four seed pods later that night.
Feb 8
Mood: 5
Energy: 7
Sensitivity: 5
New category, for 'how much am I bothered by ticking clocks, how much am I bothered by the fish filter.'
I'm REALLY BOTHERED BY THE FISH FILTER. I'm expanding the spell on the wind chimes to it; I have a selective muteness rigged up on them both so I no longer perceive either, otherwise I'd never be able to be in the bedroom. Also I've cursed that one fuschia throw pillow so it's dove gray to me. I love you both more than life itself but your brains are the total opposite of my brain. It's a slippery slope I can't do it too much, but how in god's name did I fall so very in love with two men who are so particular to neon?
Feb 9
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 7
I don't want to write about Rhys much because I know-
But I spent the day with him talking about demotions and it felt like it just used up every piece of energy I had. I'm sleeping in the meditation room tonight.
Do you like it better or worse when I make up white lies to escape? It'd be so easy to just say I'm working on a spell, but I'm not, I'm blinking at the ceiling. I'm leaving out dinner for you both and a note explaining it's been a rough one.
Feb 10
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Sensitivity: 7
Ugh we'd talked about Fives carrying me across the threshhold into your rooms and I love the idea but I'm SO TWITCHY. Please wait it out with me. Maybe later this week.
Feb 11
Mood: 8
Energy: 6
Sensitivity: 5
Just going ahead and taking the down time is way better than trying to muscle through it.
Unrelated but I need to figure out your scoldy name.
On earth we have a tradition where when someone is being exaspirating or should know better and you want to tell them so with love you call them their full name. My parents never gave me a middle name because it wasn't really their thing. I thought I'd take Garach eventually. So like when I am making you irate it would just be 'Quentin Garach Coldwater! You put that down right this instant.' You also used Shkan though right? Plans to be made for after one of us proposes. First nice port we get, I swear, J.
Feb 12
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 5
You let me get out of swordfighting today with a flimsy excuse that ended under my desk in the library. I hate swordfighting, and love you.
Feb 22
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 2
Fucking breaches.
Feb 23
Mood: 8
Energy: 5
Sensitivity: 2
Okay but the saving thing I can totally keep.
Feb 24
Mood: 8
Energy: 5
Sensitivity: 2
Today was the day we ate Nadia's christmas present to me. They were bagels from Brooklyn. I popped them in the freezer when everything was bullshit to save them for a good day and I was feeling extremely grateful this morning for both of you. I'm not sure you adequately appreciate how important capers are to the world but you were good about the salmon.
Feb 25
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Okay, tracking this is helping me realize that I actually feel really, really good lately. I bet you probably know more about this than me already but sometimes when you're down it can be hard to remember that you ever felt okay, so even when I have little moments of 'what the fuck am I doing' I can just look at this and feel better.
Feb 26
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Ugh I read the best book today. It was horrible, you'd have hated it with every bone in your body. Everyone was trapped on a passenger plane and when they woke up everyone who hadn't been asleep had totally vanished, it was only the people who were dreaming who survived the anomaly. Nothing at all was ever explained and everyone was horrible to each other throughout the entire ordeal. There was even a spy and he was terribly written.
I don't like upsetting books when I'm depressed so much as I like them when I'm on the other side of it and need to think back on the fog- which I did not know about myself.
Feb 28
Mood: 8
Energy: 2
Sensitivity: 2
Tup's here. I'm fucking exhausted. But happy for Fives! More tomorrow.
Feb 29
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Your face when I explained leap years.
March 1
Mood: 4
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
Okay so Tup. On the one hand, I'm extremely glad for Fives that he has someone from home around. I know he's been quiet about how hard it is to be without- well the foundation of his entire life- but that it's always been hard on him. On the other hand I'm terrified that the speed bumps we had mean that integrating the unit of us into the system of them is going to be harder than we've maybe chalked it up to be. Which, I guess it's just good to have a practice run at getting it right now- but it's still scary. You guys will have each other the first year or so while you're off on this campaign but I'm going to be back on our planet, right? I'll be the only non-clone probably in the entire world. Hopefully Tup's anxiety and stress are because he and Fives are close, not because of the concept of the relationship(s) in the abstract. Don't get me wrong- I can do it, even if it's the worst case scenario. But I'm not too proud to admit I'd be afraid.
March 2
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
I'm leveled out from the anxiety jag yesterday.
March 4
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Rawne is really great, you know?
March 5
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 4
Well, this was a little- different from the last time, but a classic case of it never rains but it pours. Dogma's on board. I called him Fives, then I called him Tup, and then I figured out he's someone else entirely. I'm stopping my other work and vanishing into the nametagging spell for clones for the next few days, if I don't get this underway right away I'm going to have an extremely awkward conversation very very soon.
March 6
Mood: 10
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
Fuck I love magical problems. Tell me not to stop working on them please.
March 8
Mood: 9
Energy: 9
Sensitivity: 1
CRACKED IT. I am a motherfucking sorcerer.
March 9
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
It's funny seeing Fives with other clones. In contrast it makes me notice how little I notice of his physicality and how much I notice of his mannerisms. I confuse them way less than I thought I would. I mean I confuse Dogma for Tup constantly when I see them in passing but even a split second of watching them move and I know they're not our Fives. You know once in a while I shave him with a straight razor? God he's gorgeous.
He's nothing like them. Maybe it's partially all the time on board the boat- maybe it's how much he copies you. And me actually- boy do I ever see our mannerisms in him when he's held up against the others. I feel lucky.
March 10
Mood: 8
Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 1
You know I've always been resistant to medication because (from what little I know and I think you've already outstripped me) I would probably have to be on a mood stabilizer. I've had manic episodes in the past so I shouldn't do a straight anti-depressant. From what I know it can be really hard to find one that doesn't dull your positive emotions as well as round out the dips. I definitely would be scared of side effects when it comes to a) feeling foggy/stupid, b) not feeling joy, c) having my sex drive drop off, I already feel kind of self-conscious some days about being the iceberg in the triad. (Nothing either of you ever say or do, but it diminishing further would feel rough.)
MARC H 11
I am Quentin Coldwater and I am five years old. I am writin in this diary now because it is my diary not my home diary but that one is not here to writin so I will take this one. My favorite book is the Fillory and Further books. I think they are very fun and nice and good.
March 15
Mood: 8
Energy: 4
Sensitivity: 1
Well, that sure was a flood and a half. It kind of took it out of me. It's a hard age to think about being- the older one, not the one who followed you around like a shadow. I wasn't always good to the people who loved me at that age.
March 16
Date: 2020-03-19 07:32 pm (UTC)Energy: 7
Sensitivity: 3
You know, a few days ago Bill told me he used to have a crush on me. I had no idea. I guess I never really credited him with seeing the world in that spectrum, and never really credited myself as the kind of person people could crush on. It made me think of how grateful I am for promises that were made in and around the time I gave myself a nervous breakdown chasing monsters that only looked like you.
Dinner: Lasagna?
Chores: Need to pick up eggs. Thought we might try making our own noodles from scratch.
Hi Fives,
So as you know I've been writing a journal for Jedao every day. It's part of the effort for him to understand and engage with mental health stuff. I talk about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through- and in the process I've realized that I like doing it- but it feels weirdly lopsided. I thought I'd write to you on the domestic front. It's just an excuse to be in touch- I don't know what the headers should be yet, maybe just stuff we're planning on cooking and stuff there is to do around the home? I'll workshop it as I go.
March 17
Date: 2020-03-19 07:39 pm (UTC)Energy: 7
Sensitivity: 2
When I was a couple of months younger than when I came on board, I was walking home from school. A car pulled up next to me, and I was surprised to look over and see a couple of my classmates. One called, waved, and rolled the windows down. I didn't know them well but they were smiling and I thought they maybe needed someone. I walked over to ask what was up and say hi, and the guy in the passenger side seat gestured me in closer- and then spat in my face. They started laughing and peeled out. It's amazing how kids know when you're marked as different.
Dinner: Scalloped potatoes
Chores: Laundry in the hamper is all clean if you're up for folding?
I've been thinking a lot about how hard you are on yourself when you can't get magic right, right away. I want to be sure you know it's normal not to be perfect? You're good- you're better than good, you're the best student I've ever had. No one learning this discipline is perfect from the start. When you fail- you're just like the rest of us. Just like I was when I was where you are. I love you. I feel closer to you, not contemptuous of the time this is taking. If it was easy for you, then I would be worried.
March 18
Date: 2020-03-19 07:50 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 1
You were an adorable kid- but was it you that hid all this weird shit everywhere? Nothing is where it should be an half of it is totally inexplicable.
Dinner: Bibimbap
Chores: Today I'm tackling all the glass in the house. Windows, mirrors, etc. Are you up for doing the bathtub/shower?
I want to do another boardgame night soon. Would you have a look through the stack I picked up in Hawaii and see if you can pick one that'd be good. I've never been happier than I was that night- being looked after by you two after I got myself into trouble and had the worst day. Playing, cooperating, imagining- God, I'm so lucky.
March 19
Date: 2020-03-19 08:06 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
Sensitivity: 2
I'm also having some insomnia lately. Which you know- because you're wonderful company- but you also know this isn't very usual for me. I feel great, but I also feel a tiny bit over-energized, like it isn't something I am quite in control of.
Dinner: Oof. I don't know- how about salad and leftovers?
Chores: I can take on cleaning out the fridge after dinner.
I'm quitting smoking. I know they were just cloves, but it's ridiculous that I'm using them, I clearly know better- they're a crutch. They helped a lot when the impulse to drink was hard to resist, but now that things have settled back down they just mean a lot of having to stand alone on deck in the freezing cold feeling stupid. Unfortunately they're a heck of a drug so it sucks to come off them.
March 20
Date: 2020-03-21 06:01 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
Insomnia: 4
New category; whatever, it's my diary, they can fluctuate. I was up before dawn this morning. On the plus side I'm getting a lot done.
Dinner: I don't have plans. You pick.
Chores: Did a good deep pass with the hand vac for cat hair on all upholstery, and changed the bedding. Gave the cat a good brush.
I need to figure out your favourite colour. I know the answer is Every Colour and Jedao's is Every NonCalendrical Colour but it's traditional to pick an especial favourite one. I think I like a lilac with a lot of grey in it.
March 21
Date: 2020-03-21 06:12 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
Insomnia: 4
I've had Come on Eileen stuck in my head for the last four hours straight. See if you can find someone to play it for you, I think you'd get a kick out of it.
Dinner: I'm thawing one of the pieces of pork belly. Think you could pick up some fresh spinach from the greenhouse? I'll do up rice and peanuts.
Chores: Maintenance is pretty light today. If you come home early it might be a good day to tackle doing the backs of the kitchen cupboards? Get everything out, scrub up spills, wipe up with cleaner... if your schedule's free can you text Jedao and ask him to join? Many hands make light work.
You know, Alice, the woman I used to live with, was a real disaster in terms of housekeeping. It was funny because she was a lot more precise and disciplined than I was magically, but I'd go to lie down in bed and put my hand in a plate covered in plum sauce and the crumbs from spring rolls. It didn't drive me crazy, but I didn't love it either. I'm grateful you two pull so much of the weight around here. This house is too big for one person to take care of on their own.
March 23
Date: 2020-04-01 11:34 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
Insomnia: Bad.
The period after a flood is one of my favourites. I like feeling things settle into their proper shape.
Dinner: Thawing some chicken. Cook it however you'd like!
Chores: Vacuumed carpets.
Remind me I need to talk to you about scents later. Artificial & home.
March 24
Date: 2020-04-01 11:37 pm (UTC)Energy: 4
Insomnia: WORSE.
Christ, I don't know why I'm not sleeping. I don't feel unwell, I just try to get down and I can't. I couldn't even read tonight, I was so tired, I just came into the library and stared at the same page for like an hour.
Dinner: Can't think of anything, can you take over?
Chores: I accomplished nothing today.
When we have a bigger house, we'll be able to have a couple more pets in it. I like the idea of holding off on getting any so the children can have them and learn responsibility. I think that if they get old enough to ask for a cat or a dog they should prepare a little written report on the responsibilities and requirements of caring for an animal and commit to doing their share of the dog walking and the cleaning of cat litter. If they have the skills and perseverence to research the subject then they can be trusted with pets.
How this will interact with whatever farming J is planning I don't really know, but that we can play by ear.
March 26
Date: 2020-04-01 11:38 pm (UTC)Fives- sorry sweetheart haven't been writing, will get back to it tomorrow I promise.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 11:41 pm (UTC)Energy: 6
My sleep seems to be back to normal. I think what it finally took was throwing my back out. Just having to lie down and drink tea and put heat on it and take my pain pills cut the cycle of winding up and up and up. I don't feel great but I don't feel edgy any more.
Dinner: Let's have breakfast for dinner.
Chores: Swept and mopped the kitchen, did the sink in here.
I'm gonna find us a nice tv comedy. A sitcom, they're called- to watch as a family. It'll be like the Goldfinch, where I can explain about earth to you both, but it'll be funny instead of so sad. I think we should pop one on while we do a jigsaw puzzle. Have you ever done a jigsaw puzzle? They might be your jam.
March 28
Date: 2020-04-01 11:44 pm (UTC)Energy: 6
I STEPPED ON POPE
I HONESTLY DIDN'T SEE HIM
HE SEEMS FINE
I AM THE WORST HEDGEHOG DAD I DON'T DESERVE HEDGEHOG CUSTODY
Dinner: Stir fry?
Chores: Deep cleaned the bathroom
I think you'd like skiing. Let's try that in the Enclosure instead of our next sparring practice. I know I'm trying to get out of it, but it's a great core workout.
March 30
Date: 2020-04-01 11:46 pm (UTC)Energy: 6
I'm having trouble figuring out what useful information I should write for you in here. I'm still enjoying it as an exercise in really esoteric love letters, but I'm not sure it's serving its' purpose. I'll have to ask you.
Dinner: Grilled cheese.
Chores: Some kind of jamming? There's a lot of fruit right now, it'd be fun to make our own.
Actually I was thinking you'd make it and I'd read you this piece of a book I found that I think you'd like, if you're up for a bona fide Quentin Coldwater date?
March 31
Date: 2020-04-01 11:54 pm (UTC)Energy: 5
Okay here's one;
I'm going to talk a bit about the period of depression after Alice died. It lasted- about six months in the initial deep downswing, I sat in my room and didn't come out, and then I went way the fuck up- went on a quest, went highly focused, over-energised, irrational, combative, for another six months or so after that- and then at the end of that I came back to earth and crashed again, hard, for a long, long time. The downswings were so vicious they were hard to remember. Like I mean my memory formation in them was kind of cloudy. I remember feeling- numb, and like that numbness was powerful, because it meant nothing and no one could get to me.
I've gone down since but mostly just into lethargy, never into that kind of loathing of everyone and everything.
Dinner: Something for J for sure. I think we've got some pork, let's look up a recipe.
Chores: Got the laundry.
I've got oil under my nails today from the work we're doing on the hot water heater. It means a lot to me how good you are with Rawne. He always comes to our lunches chatting away about the stuff you've said, the tough time you've given him, the work you did together. Wardening is sometimes about reminding some people how to love each other and you're making my job easy, showing him so clearly.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-01 11:56 pm (UTC)Energy: 8
The Admiral is such a dick, but on the plus side, we've got someone to join me on my maintenance shift! Go bother Billy Butcher for me please, I'm going to be spending four hours a day with him, five days a week, sometimes more during serious breakages.
Dinner: Oof.
Chores: Also nothing. I'm so sorry?
Elijah needed my help today for something with Jasper, so all my usual stuff fell by the wayside. I'm 1000% behind.
no subject
Date: 2020-04-15 12:31 am (UTC)The mysteries of who I think you are and who you think I am and who we are now that we are together will be solved with time and practice.