IC INBOX for The Last Voyages

[magician_king]

You know what to do.

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[credere]

I am stupid. And selfish.

[And hyperventilating.]

I didn't think, I - when you, when we...

I just wanted to feel like that again. And it's going to be so long before I can do that myself. If I ever can.

[magician_king]

Well-

[Hesitating, wanting so badly to make him feel better. Just to offer.]

Maybe there's a way you can. Maybe I catsit for you through the learning curve?

[credere]

N-no. Not if it's like that. I can't...learning-curve out of bad dreams.

[magician_king]

Okay.

So my real advice is this; whichever offered to turn you, talk to the other one, ask them for the most brutal, worst-case-scenario they've ever seen in their lives, and what they'd do about it.

And in the meantime, maybe it wouldn't hurt to go play in the Enclosure, just a bit? I'd need you to- keep your head after. I got really scared last time, that's why I've been so shitty about it, but you honestly did scare me, C.

[credere]

Why?

What did I do that was scary?

[magician_king]

You acted- frantic. Like you wanted so badly to lose yourself it was out of control. I remember you begging me, turn me back, turn me back with these eyes, like-

I thought I'd ruined your life. I hated myself.

[credere]

Oh.

You didn't.

[His voice gets smaller with every word.]

I didn't know I'd made you feel like that.

I'm sorry.

[magician_king]

It's not your fault. I just- didn't know how to talk about it.

I'm only brave enough to try now because it sounds like you're still kind of in trouble.

[credere]

I'm fine. I'm just stupid.

I didn't think.

I - Lark. He wouldn't want me to -

Not after I. In the flood.

I'm fine.

[magician_king]

You are not stupid, you're just startled.

Seriously Credence- what do you need right now?

[credere]

I don't know!

I don't know anything -

[There's a crackle on the line, like electrical interference, and labored breathing.]

[magician_king]

I'm here.

[He says, softly and keeps the line open.]

I won't come over unless you say I can, but I'm here.

[credere]

[Credence makes a quiet, shuddery noise and then clears his throat.]

I'm sorry I bothered you.

[magician_king]

You didn't bother me. You're my friend!

[credere]

But I have these - these dumb ideas I d-don't think about. I don't know what I want or what I need.

I've been here for a year and I still don't know anything.

Maybe he was right about me.

[magician_king]

I've been here three years and I know way fucking less.

[He promises, collapsing back onto his bed, with a soft sigh.]

We're going to get you there. To being a- whatever. And I'm serious, if you think tonight is a night where we should do it, we can do it. I'm- prepared to trust you with it. Now that I know you. And you know how serious it is.

[credere]

No. No thank you.

I....don't think we should talk about it again.

[magician_king]

Sorry.

[He says; rarely is it him who loses his composure, but tonight, he can't keep it up. His voice tears on the word.]

[credere]

No. It's not your fault. Please.

[His voice is cracking too, getting small and desperate.]

I didn't want to upset you.

[magician_king]

You didn't. [Not particularly convincing.] Just.

This is just all my fault, and I- I'm really sorry. I'll just- be around, I guess, if you want- help, or magic, or anything, or company. When you want.

[credere]

It's not your fault-! You were trying to help. You did help. And you're helping now, I didn't think about what might happen if I...

Please. I know I'm a bad friend, I don't want to be, I'm trying. Please.

[magician_king]

Me too.

[He admits, shaky, but determined.]

You're not a bad friend. You've never been a bad friend. This is my fault, and you've been generous enough to try to protect me from that.

[credere]

I just...

I just wanted to not be me. For a while. Without hurting anybody. And I wanted - to choose.

[magician_king]

I guess it's important to have outlets for your stress, but equally important to not hate yourself.

I want you to have that control, I want you to have that freedom to express yourself, explore, be powerful and wild- but I don't like the idea of you feeling like being Credence Barebone is a terrible thing. Because he's my best friend- and I'll stick up for him against you if I've got to.

And, aside from all that- you do have to be careful, because I didn't make that up about the bloody snaps. But maybe there's a way to do it with the Admiral's power cap. Like, you can only turn in the Enclosure or something.

[credere]

[Which means he's relying on someone to let him through the door. Which means it isn't his choice. So in his head there's no difference between that and relying on Quentin.]

This is all just because of the flood. Tomorrow I might - this might all have gone away.