He asks, arrested by this, charmed- he shouldn't hinge his self-worth on what other people say, but it's just- nice, to not have to do inner-strength-despite-what-people-think-of-you for a minute. To be spectacular in the eyes of someone whose opinion means the world to him.
It's too self-indulgent to contemplate for long, so he shakes it off, and squeezes his hand tighter.
"I mean you're allowed to be scared of the dark. And I might kiss you, if that's okay? Because you are."
"I do, really," he says softly, like he's not entirely sure how it happened himself. Quiet wonder.
His hand squeezes Quentin's back when he mention's Jedao's particular confession, tight enough to hurt a little, if only for a moment. It's not warning, just a sharp, reflexive clutch as he swallows, as his eyes dart away, and then skitter back.
"It probably felt like not being able to escape from one of the group meetings," Jedao observes, even if Quentin wasn't obsessively watching on purpose like he was.
"How would you learn to stop doing something you know you shouldn't do, but that people invite you to do all the time? Without advertising all over the place that you have a problem."
Jedao hasn't tended toward those particular kinds of problems, but he certainly understands not being able to advertise a problem.
"...well, historically, I would run away and join the army." Not precisely convenient at the moment. "If you want to avoid talking about anything, you want to have alternatives ready to deflect onto."
He asks, lifting his head back up to watch him. Absent guile, this just wouldn't have occurred to Quentin as an option. Jedao is the right person to ask.
Jedao gazes around. They really do have a shortage of convenient alternative social options on the ship.
"It doesn't really matter. The point is to have something you practice to say 'yes this other thing,' instead of 'no, not that' - like on the simple side, 'I really want to see the sky, can we go to the enclosure instead?' Or say you start decorating your room. You decide what you might like, you pick some colors, whatever. Stock up some equipment in a corner, trays and rollers. But you don't actually work on it much. And then when someone invites you to the pub, you say, 'oh, actually, I was going to work on fixing up my room tonight - but I'd love to see you, want to come help?' And maybe, if it's just been a disaster and that sounds like a weird plan, you throw in some flavor, 'it's just really soothing to work with my hands sometimes.' And they say 'oh, okay, what kind of stuff are you doing?' And when they show up you have something to do that doesn't take very much concentration but also keeps you sort of socially occupied while you talk, that takes the same place that drinks would. And if someone says 'hey, haven't you been painting your room for like a year now, what's up with that?' You say 'fuck you, we're not on a timetable in space prison, and it needs three coats,' and while they're distracted I stab them a lot. Something like that."
"And if you get a 'can't you do that later,' there's always 'sorry, I just opened the paint, I'd have to wash all the brushes out so they don't dry all tacky, and it takes just ages -'" He smiles, reaches to ruffle Quentin's hair.
"He's pretty cute," is Jedao's assessment, although the indulgent warmth of it is mostly for Quentin. Then he swallows, struggles to nudge Quentin off enough to get his own comm out of his pocket.
"Hang on, I want to show you -"
He brings up a still - it was an awful fucking memory, but it doesn't matter if he doesn't play it. There's a heavyset women in the Kel uniform, with greying hair and a shockingly pale scar across part of her round, dark face. She's got her arms folded and an unimpressed expression; she and Jedao are standing in some kind of terribly fancy bathroom, with a gun on the counter.
It plucks the breath out of him again, every time. There she is.
"That's. Colonel Kel Gized. She was my Chief of Staff for a decade."
She was my best friend, says Jedao's entirely familiar expression, whom I was in love with.
He says, and looks from it up to him. He remembers a story- not sure if it's this one- that ends badly. It's a good guess. All of Jedao's stories end badly.
"She saved my life that night," he says quietly. "Probably. I didn't deserve it either."
He doesn't say she died for it too, even though it took longer, even though Gized has never had the opportunity to yell at him about it.
"I was always boring her with games. She was a straightforward soul, but she put up with me." Good-humored, as well as indomitable, with the particular level-headed sort of brilliance that makes an excellent administrator.
He admits- and who knows, maybe he will some day. The barge is weird that way. And, because he knows sitting too deeply with any recollection eventually makes Jedao cringe, if he isn't steering;
"Eliot turned up here, and immediately got laid. I woke up naked with a stranger, that was fun."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 05:50 am (UTC)He asks, arrested by this, charmed- he shouldn't hinge his self-worth on what other people say, but it's just- nice, to not have to do inner-strength-despite-what-people-think-of-you for a minute. To be spectacular in the eyes of someone whose opinion means the world to him.
It's too self-indulgent to contemplate for long, so he shakes it off, and squeezes his hand tighter.
"I mean you're allowed to be scared of the dark. And I might kiss you, if that's okay? Because you are."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:21 am (UTC)His hand squeezes Quentin's back when he mention's Jedao's particular confession, tight enough to hurt a little, if only for a moment. It's not warning, just a sharp, reflexive clutch as he swallows, as his eyes dart away, and then skitter back.
"Okay."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:33 am (UTC)"Thank you for talking to me. Even when I really didn't want to."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:36 am (UTC)"I don't want to just...manage you. I want to actually get things right."
Partly because Quentin is worth that; partly because Jedao is just so very tired of the former.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:41 am (UTC)He says, tilting down, resting his forehead on Jedao's shoulder, shutting his eyes.
"Can I ask for your advice about something that does have to do with people management, and with the whole thing this week?"
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 06:48 am (UTC)"As a Shuos, I'm professionally obliged to be terrible about privacy. The more eyes the better. But I'll try, if you want?"
cw alcoholism
Date: 2018-03-24 06:50 am (UTC)He says, with a snort.
"Like all the people I know. And then at the end of it, a friend of mine who I like a lot, asked if I'd like to meet in the bar for a drink."
cw alcoholism
Date: 2018-03-24 06:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 07:04 am (UTC)Because just up and saying it is out.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 07:10 am (UTC)"...well, historically, I would run away and join the army." Not precisely convenient at the moment. "If you want to avoid talking about anything, you want to have alternatives ready to deflect onto."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 09:57 am (UTC)He asks, lifting his head back up to watch him. Absent guile, this just wouldn't have occurred to Quentin as an option. Jedao is the right person to ask.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 10:14 am (UTC)"It doesn't really matter. The point is to have something you practice to say 'yes this other thing,' instead of 'no, not that' - like on the simple side, 'I really want to see the sky, can we go to the enclosure instead?' Or say you start decorating your room. You decide what you might like, you pick some colors, whatever. Stock up some equipment in a corner, trays and rollers. But you don't actually work on it much. And then when someone invites you to the pub, you say, 'oh, actually, I was going to work on fixing up my room tonight - but I'd love to see you, want to come help?' And maybe, if it's just been a disaster and that sounds like a weird plan, you throw in some flavor, 'it's just really soothing to work with my hands sometimes.' And they say 'oh, okay, what kind of stuff are you doing?' And when they show up you have something to do that doesn't take very much concentration but also keeps you sort of socially occupied while you talk, that takes the same place that drinks would. And if someone says 'hey, haven't you been painting your room for like a year now, what's up with that?' You say 'fuck you, we're not on a timetable in space prison, and it needs three coats,' and while they're distracted I stab them a lot. Something like that."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 12:20 pm (UTC)"I do want it to be white in here."
Rather than the off-yellow of dormitory past.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-24 11:25 pm (UTC)"Aiming for camoflage?" he teases.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 02:15 am (UTC)He says, tucking in against Jedao's shoulder again, closing his eyes and hiding a smile.
"Thank God that's all over, hey?"
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 02:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 02:34 am (UTC)The emotional centre of a number of Quentin's years.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:11 am (UTC)"Hang on, I want to show you -"
He brings up a still - it was an awful fucking memory, but it doesn't matter if he doesn't play it. There's a heavyset women in the Kel uniform, with greying hair and a shockingly pale scar across part of her round, dark face. She's got her arms folded and an unimpressed expression; she and Jedao are standing in some kind of terribly fancy bathroom, with a gun on the counter.
It plucks the breath out of him again, every time. There she is.
"That's. Colonel Kel Gized. She was my Chief of Staff for a decade."
She was my best friend, says Jedao's entirely familiar expression, whom I was in love with.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:18 am (UTC)He says, and looks from it up to him. He remembers a story- not sure if it's this one- that ends badly. It's a good guess. All of Jedao's stories end badly.
"You must miss her?"
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:25 am (UTC)He doesn't say she died for it too, even though it took longer, even though Gized has never had the opportunity to yell at him about it.
"I was always boring her with games. She was a straightforward soul, but she put up with me." Good-humored, as well as indomitable, with the particular level-headed sort of brilliance that makes an excellent administrator.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:33 am (UTC)He admits- and who knows, maybe he will some day. The barge is weird that way. And, because he knows sitting too deeply with any recollection eventually makes Jedao cringe, if he isn't steering;
"Eliot turned up here, and immediately got laid. I woke up naked with a stranger, that was fun."
Read; immensely perturbing, hair raising.
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:44 am (UTC)"Good for him. I'm not sure if I'm sad or relieved that I'm probably not the one who's seen you levitate out of bed fastest on the ship."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 03:58 am (UTC)He says, not really complaining, just laughing and lifting his head back up so he can actually smile at him.
"Please seduce Eliot if he turns up again."
no subject
Date: 2018-03-25 04:03 am (UTC)