He huffs at this and rolls his eyes, muttering "Eyefox wept." And then....less grumpily, "I mean I've had a few punched out, but that's different and terrible, don't do that."
He sneaks a hand beneath Quentin's shirt, just to settle himself with the warmth of skin under his fingertips, mulling over the question he'd been derailed from.
"I don't know if I've...processed it for me enough to know yet how it'll come out when I process it about you. I think I won't be able to compartmentalize you as much. I don't think the...being able to give me the pain, or even liking it, doesn't change how I feel about you very much. I knew if you said yes, you'd give me what I needed. And you'd be lovely and tender and deliberate and searing, and you were. But being inside the magic like that, it was different than with the foxes. It was different than everything. I feel a little bit farther away from you and a little bit closer, at the same time."
He agrees, settled by this, because, his verdict is;
"I think everything you saw today was true. I behaved- differently with you, but not, I think, in a way that was untrue to myself or unfair or unkind to you, so now matter how the chips fall- you know more of the truth about me, and so, it so happens, do I. So that's okay."
"Yes. And there were pieces I - sort knew. But never got around to putting together with the rest of you? You're the only one of my mathematicians who ever made me sad I couldn't see it too."
He doesn't know that it's true until he hears himself say it, but there's a sweetness to the melancholy. He's been angry about that, bitter, resigned, but always for strategic, pragmatic reasons. This is just for the thing itself, and for him.
"And I feel a little bit like I maybe don't deserve you. But I'll probably get over that." He smiles, sleepy and cheeky, presses a kiss to Quentin's neck. While he's there, he whispers, "You still make me feel peaceful. More than ever."
The last gift he would ever have looked for, or imagined.
"That's funny, because a lot of the time I know I don't deserve you either."
He answers, a private little secret, an unconscious clutch of his fingers, which he tries to disguise by shifting them down so they can curl up, so Jedao can lie on his side and be spooned in safe while Quentin curls around him.
"Silly," Jedao murmurs, turning obligingly, although he knows Quentin too well to be really surprised by it. He laces his fingers with one of Quentin's hands where his arm is wrapped around Jedao, and tugs it up so Jedao can kiss his knuckles.
"My silly splendid darling. You deserve all the wonders your heart can hold."
He feels a surge of something so intense he can't identify it, except to feel glad that he can hide his expression in Jedao's hair. He likes the way his knees hitch in just behind his, how warm he feels.
Jedao shivers at the word 'carving', prickles down his spine and warmth in his gut even if he's halfway to dozing.
"I've got an arm reserved for you already," he mumbles. He's committed to a few tattoo ideas today. "Would it be...weird, less romantic, if I asked you to do my horse too?"
If only because Quentin liked him, and Fives didn't.
Jedao is exhausted on every level, and just now feels as safe and soft as he knows how to feel. Normally his sleep is always some variety of strained, but now he really does drift off within the first minute of quiet.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2018-08-08 02:44 pm (UTC)He sneaks a hand beneath Quentin's shirt, just to settle himself with the warmth of skin under his fingertips, mulling over the question he'd been derailed from.
"I don't know if I've...processed it for me enough to know yet how it'll come out when I process it about you. I think I won't be able to compartmentalize you as much. I don't think the...being able to give me the pain, or even liking it, doesn't change how I feel about you very much. I knew if you said yes, you'd give me what I needed. And you'd be lovely and tender and deliberate and searing, and you were. But being inside the magic like that, it was different than with the foxes. It was different than everything. I feel a little bit farther away from you and a little bit closer, at the same time."
no subject
Date: 2018-08-08 03:00 pm (UTC)He agrees, settled by this, because, his verdict is;
"I think everything you saw today was true. I behaved- differently with you, but not, I think, in a way that was untrue to myself or unfair or unkind to you, so now matter how the chips fall- you know more of the truth about me, and so, it so happens, do I. So that's okay."
For better, for worse.
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Date: 2018-08-08 03:17 pm (UTC)He doesn't know that it's true until he hears himself say it, but there's a sweetness to the melancholy. He's been angry about that, bitter, resigned, but always for strategic, pragmatic reasons. This is just for the thing itself, and for him.
"And I feel a little bit like I maybe don't deserve you. But I'll probably get over that." He smiles, sleepy and cheeky, presses a kiss to Quentin's neck. While he's there, he whispers, "You still make me feel peaceful. More than ever."
The last gift he would ever have looked for, or imagined.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 02:42 am (UTC)He answers, a private little secret, an unconscious clutch of his fingers, which he tries to disguise by shifting them down so they can curl up, so Jedao can lie on his side and be spooned in safe while Quentin curls around him.
"And you make me feel strong."
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Date: 2018-08-09 02:53 am (UTC)"My silly splendid darling. You deserve all the wonders your heart can hold."
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Date: 2018-08-09 02:56 am (UTC)"Either way, I am incredibly fucking lucky."
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Date: 2018-08-09 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 03:29 am (UTC)He promises, sleepily.
"If you want, of course."
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Date: 2018-08-09 03:33 am (UTC)"I'd like that very much," he answers softly.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 03:48 am (UTC)He says,
"But I could use a tattoo, or something."
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 03:55 am (UTC)"I've got an arm reserved for you already," he mumbles. He's committed to a few tattoo ideas today. "Would it be...weird, less romantic, if I asked you to do my horse too?"
If only because Quentin liked him, and Fives didn't.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 04:10 am (UTC)He says, and yawns deeply, snuggles in a little less frantically, a little more comfortable.
"Think you could nap?"
Because he's going to pass out.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 04:13 am (UTC)"Maybe if you could stop being utterly fascinating for five seconds at stretch, darling."
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Date: 2018-08-09 04:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-09 04:23 am (UTC)