I don't remember what started it, like, specifically - like what thing or what person. But I made her feel not safe and not cared about, because of who I talked to and hung out with and liked. She didn't like that I could-- I don't wanna say forgive, because I think I gotta be the victim of something to forgive or not forgive it; otherwise it ain't my place. She didn't like what I could look past. And I get it. Last month I almost stopped hanging out with Rhys over some shit with Betelgeuse. But--
[She pauses for a moment, steadying her voice; her breath.]
I don't wanna change that part of who I am, but sometimes I think about how if Nina was here now, she would be so horrified by me.
Sorry. I just- I catch a lot of flack for that too, at home.
[He doesn't want to get into all of it, all the what, all the who, but.]
To me it's like- it'd be life shattering not to, you know? Like, I am here as a warden, because I believe everyone on this boat has the potential for good. If I don't believe they can be redeemed then we're just fucking torturing them for dumb fun. If I do believe in the barge and that change is possible for each and every one of them, I have to extend that philosophy through my relationships, and yeah, so and so might have such and suched at a certain point in time, but I'm going to be polite to them in the dining hall and have a relationship premised more on who they might become than where they've come from. Not like, being a doormat, but giving more leeway than I'd normally give to the occasional psychopath. I feel like if I'm getting this deal- these deals, fingers crossed, then the price of that is to put up with a fair amount of bullshit during that process.
I'm just being gossipy now, but- what happened with Betelgeuse and Rhys?
[Which is very much not the same as I agree with everything you just said, because both her mindset and her approach are very different. But she sees where he's coming from, and she agrees with parts of the broad framework of it.]
Rhys wasn't even involved. I just got into a bad fight with Betelgeuse - like, really bad. And I was gonna quit doing the advocacy group thing with Rhys because all I could think about was how I didn't wanna hang around somebody who could be boyfriends with that asshole. I wasn't pissed at Rhys and I didn't blame him for anything, and I didn't actually want Betelgeuse to be, like, isolated and alone and without anybody who'd stick by him. I just felt like I didn't wanna be around him or the people who were sticking by him.
But me and Betelgeuse made peace, and I changed my mind, so--
Good. They're both- you know. Like a lot of us. Damaged and weird and sometimes incredibly hurtful without meaning to be, but usually trying their best.
[He feels this with all his heart.]
Not that it'd be weird if you all just didn't fit- but good, anyways.
For me, this isn't about seeing people for who they might become, it's--
[There's a pause as she thinks.]
Alfie Solomons killed people and bombed the ship more than once, but he was still the first person to ever make me feel like I had the right to be angry about being treated wrong. Roderick was a serial killer, but I haven't ever known anyone else that I could talk to the way I could talk to him. Sylvanas killed and tortured me and I fucking hated her for it, but looking back, she was the only person back then who treated me like I was any other person instead of somebody who was in over her head and should be coddled.
[Granted, she had been in over her head, but she's currently of the mind that being thrown into the deep end had, in the long run, not been a bad thing.]
And last month, nobody helped me more than Callisto, who just--
[She smacks her palms together.]
-- she can cut right to the heart of shit sometimes, and I trusted her with things I don't think I would've trusted anybody else with. Maybe don't tell her I said that, though, 'cause she's kind of like a cat who's gonna hiss and scratch and take off if you look at her too hard.
Anyway, I don't wanna get to know people because I think someday they might be worth knowing. I wanna look for the parts that make them worth knowing even now.
[Quentin just smiles- because she's right, in ways he wouldn't have been able to put into words before she said it.]
Hey- fun warden news for you. Callisto smacked into me hard when we were invisible, and then instead of murdering me politely helped me find my glasses where they'd fallen into a snowbank!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 12:16 am (UTC)[He admits, just as quietly.]
I never asked what happened, and she never talked about it.
[But it feels wrong to pretend he wasn't there, wasn't tangentially involved, even in just giving Nina a soft landing afterwards.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 12:26 am (UTC)[She pauses for a moment, steadying her voice; her breath.]
I don't wanna change that part of who I am, but sometimes I think about how if Nina was here now, she would be so horrified by me.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 12:48 am (UTC)Sorry. I just- I catch a lot of flack for that too, at home.
[He doesn't want to get into all of it, all the what, all the who, but.]
To me it's like- it'd be life shattering not to, you know? Like, I am here as a warden, because I believe everyone on this boat has the potential for good. If I don't believe they can be redeemed then we're just fucking torturing them for dumb fun. If I do believe in the barge and that change is possible for each and every one of them, I have to extend that philosophy through my relationships, and yeah, so and so might have such and suched at a certain point in time, but I'm going to be polite to them in the dining hall and have a relationship premised more on who they might become than where they've come from. Not like, being a doormat, but giving more leeway than I'd normally give to the occasional psychopath. I feel like if I'm getting this deal- these deals, fingers crossed, then the price of that is to put up with a fair amount of bullshit during that process.
I'm just being gossipy now, but- what happened with Betelgeuse and Rhys?
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 12:55 am (UTC)[Which is very much not the same as I agree with everything you just said, because both her mindset and her approach are very different. But she sees where he's coming from, and she agrees with parts of the broad framework of it.]
Rhys wasn't even involved. I just got into a bad fight with Betelgeuse - like, really bad. And I was gonna quit doing the advocacy group thing with Rhys because all I could think about was how I didn't wanna hang around somebody who could be boyfriends with that asshole. I wasn't pissed at Rhys and I didn't blame him for anything, and I didn't actually want Betelgeuse to be, like, isolated and alone and without anybody who'd stick by him. I just felt like I didn't wanna be around him or the people who were sticking by him.
But me and Betelgeuse made peace, and I changed my mind, so--
[Shrug.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:06 am (UTC)[He feels this with all his heart.]
Not that it'd be weird if you all just didn't fit- but good, anyways.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:29 am (UTC)For me, this isn't about seeing people for who they might become, it's--
[There's a pause as she thinks.]
Alfie Solomons killed people and bombed the ship more than once, but he was still the first person to ever make me feel like I had the right to be angry about being treated wrong. Roderick was a serial killer, but I haven't ever known anyone else that I could talk to the way I could talk to him. Sylvanas killed and tortured me and I fucking hated her for it, but looking back, she was the only person back then who treated me like I was any other person instead of somebody who was in over her head and should be coddled.
[Granted, she had been in over her head, but she's currently of the mind that being thrown into the deep end had, in the long run, not been a bad thing.]
And last month, nobody helped me more than Callisto, who just--
[She smacks her palms together.]
-- she can cut right to the heart of shit sometimes, and I trusted her with things I don't think I would've trusted anybody else with. Maybe don't tell her I said that, though, 'cause she's kind of like a cat who's gonna hiss and scratch and take off if you look at her too hard.
Anyway, I don't wanna get to know people because I think someday they might be worth knowing. I wanna look for the parts that make them worth knowing even now.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:31 am (UTC)Hey- fun warden news for you. Callisto smacked into me hard when we were invisible, and then instead of murdering me politely helped me find my glasses where they'd fallen into a snowbank!
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:41 am (UTC)[Definitely trying not to smile here; that's the only part of this that she questions even a little bit.]
no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 01:50 am (UTC)[Yeah she was cursing at him pretty much throughout.]
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Date: 2021-01-29 01:56 am (UTC)I just hope she lets people love her someday. Right now, that's the biggest wish I got.
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Date: 2021-01-29 02:07 am (UTC)[Glancing down.]
I haven't inventoried a single damned thing.
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Date: 2021-01-29 02:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 02:14 am (UTC)[He predicts, with an outright laugh.]
But I am feeling better.
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Date: 2021-01-29 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-29 02:17 am (UTC)[He says, reassuringly.]
Thanks, Tiffany.