IC INBOX for The Last Voyages

[magician_king]

You know what to do.

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[magician_king]

"I'm happy too, but I do feel pretty- fretty."

He says, and keeps stroking, now shifting up to invite him into his lap, while he offers him water.

"Stay here and keep where I can see you."

[ninefox]

Jedao curls up willingly in Quentin's lap, turning to press his face against Quentin's neck for long moments, nuzzling and breathing in the smell of him before allowing himself to drink more.

"Yes, sir," Jedao says, teasing a little.

[magician_king]

He laughs, shakes his head, and dispels the magic working on speed and strength. It's his own grey eyes that blink back at him.

"That's right, sir. Don't forget it just yet."

[ninefox]

Jedao catches his face then, kisses him softly and sweetly, even if he has to slump back in Quentin's embrace moments later, panting just a little.

[magician_king]

He grins, and holds him a little tighter, still feeling wildly protective.

"That was intense."

[ninefox]

"It wasn't anything like I imagined," he admits. "But sort of perfect. It was so - direct, the feeling, I couldn't slide out from under it even for a moment."

[magician_king]

He reaches down, smoothing hands over Jedao's skin and cracking his toes for him.

"I had a backup plan."

[ninefox]

He giggles and tries to muffle it, calf jerking slightly against Quentin's hold, apparently ticklish.

"You asked about electricity," he remembers.

[magician_king]

"Next time, I'll zap you."

He promises, and reaches for the blankets, grabbing a corner and tweaking them to come up over Jedao's toes, for warmth.

"If you ever want to do it again."

[ninefox]

"Yes, please," he says promptly, although he hopes he won't need it this badly for a while.

"You'll stay with me? You said you'd - want to."

[magician_king]

"If you told me that for your emotional health you needed me to leave you alone right now I could probably wait outside the bedroom door, but I might have to press my ear against it."

He says, and strokes his hair back once more.

"What do you want more of? Chocolate, water?"

[ninefox]

"Just keep holding me," Jedao says, because that's all he wants, really, and he presses his face against Quentin's chest as he takes slow breathes.

"Did you - why did you pick that, for the end?"

[magician_king]

"Felt right."

He says, and squeezes the nape of his neck, eyes closing, cheek resting against the top of his head.

"Didn't know in advance."

[ninefox]

"It was," he says softly, quiet enough almost to be a whisper.

[magician_king]

"Yeah?"

He asks, and nuzzles the top of his head.

"It felt like it. Felt like the universe went just right."

suicidal ideation

[ninefox]

"You didn't quite ask, and I didn't tell you."

He stumbles through it now, because they didn't just brush up against it, they slid right through it, perfect as threading a needle. Jedao's defenses are all as far down as they go, and Quentin has a right to whatever Jedao can tell him, to more than pinpoint confirmation.

"You almost saw once, with my gun - it's not hurting myself really. But it's calming too, sometimes. Just to - hold it, put it against my jaw. To pretend I might. Only it doesn't work as well, since I've actually died here. But then you - and it felt - it felt like everything."

[magician_king]

He squeezes him, a tiny bit tighter, taking comfort in just having him safe in his arms, just for right now.

"So does your universe talk about depression? Or is it in the box with the other genuine fears and vulnerabilities?"

[ninefox]

"It's - I'm not sure? Sometimes we have different words for things." In the case of echo damage. Or no words, in the case of whatever Mikodez pretends not to have.

cw mental health, depression

[magician_king]

"Okay, well, I can tell you in terms of my brain and how it works, and you can pick and choose the parts that apply to you. But-"

And, swallowing hard, kissing the top of his head.

"-do you like talking about this stuff now? We could wait a minute. The books say you're supposed to be pretty emotionally open for the few hours afterwards."

cw mental health, depression

[ninefox]

"I think it might be...easier, to talk about it now." At least to Quentin. "Do you want to? It was intense for you, too."

[magician_king]

"I'll tell you if I need to stop."

And he might. But for now then;

"So sometimes, regardless of how okay things are going for me, my brain and body just- fall out of step, I sometimes think of it, but that's not a very good metaphor. It's just out of nowhere kind of- greyscale, all of a sudden, and at first I feel terrible, and then I feel absolutely nothing, and like it would just be-"

He can't say it, but he gestures, in vague reference to what Jedao has said already. Put another way, then;

"-I really don't feel suicidal very often, which makes me lucky."

cw more suicide stuff

[ninefox]

"I used to lose time, when it was very bad. My body would keep going right on with whatever needed doing but I wouldn't...be there. I'd just be gone. Which is...not a metaphor. I think maybe I understand about - greyscale, though. And I used to want to die all the time. I only - really tried the once, if you don't count all my career decisions ever. And you saw Kel Gized stop me. I was so mad when I came here. But..."

He laughs, a little, rough and rueful. "Before you and Fives, I didn't really have a regardless of how okay things are baseline, did I?"

[magician_king]

"So that's the thing that's going to be a learning experience. Things are going to be all right, for you, from now on, no matter what. But even within that context, you might still feel this way sometimes."

Rubbing a thumb over his brow.

"If that happens, we will make sure to take care of you, and get you help, and you are not judged, and you are not harmed."

[ninefox]

"It was so bad when he died, Quentin," Jedao murmurs, hiding his face against Quentin's shirt again, dragging in his breaths. "He was - so happy the last moment, really at peace, and I felt him walk away and he was gone, right down in my soul where we'd been holding each other up, and I couldn't even hate him for it."

It shudders out of him, like the pain shook some keystone loose, and now the rest of it is falling in chunks.

"It was grief but it wasn't just - it felt like someone pulled a plug somewhere in the awful core of me, and everything I am was going to drain away, or tar seeping up through me, and I was going to be like that forever, if I couldn't get my balance back, if I couldn't stop it up. And I hadn't anything to do but sit and feel it but then there were the deaths and everything else needed doing."

[magician_king]

"Yeah," he breathes, softly, and reaches up to rub his back, on the other side of where he bit him, "yeah, I can imagine. I can imagine, losing a bond like that. I wish I had known sooner. Maybe I could have done something sooner."

And, squeezing him a little tighter, just once.

"You are not alone, and the upshot to be brave enough to admit you need help is that you sometimes get it."