So if Jedao's flirting with him, does that mean you... can't? I mean-- I ain't suggesting you try to start something just because of the breach, I wouldn't wanna do that if I was you either, just-- I don't know how y'all work.
We don't have a default for how it works. We just talk to one another about how it would be if it happened. But I don't think I could cope at that at all right now. I'd melt down if he smiled at me.
Shit. I'm sorry for being kind of an asshole about it. Last time we talked.
[He feels like he needs to say.]
I think I maybe came down a little heavy. I'm very head first, heart distant last, so much of the time, and I feel like if you were giving me a taste of my own medicine right now-
You weren't really. I mean-- I didn't agree with you, but you didn't make me feel stupid or crazy. And other people have sometimes.
You seem like you have a big heart to me, Quentin. And you got a right to feel whatever you're feeling right now.
[So does Larry, of course, and that holds true even if he decides he feels like forgetting the breach ever happened - but Tiffany doesn't think Quentin would argue that, so it goes unsaid.]
You know, I've only had people I loved a few times in breaches? And not for a long time, unless the Mirror Barge counts.
[His expression softens a little further- more gratitude. He's glad he didn't accidentally hurt her. He can sometimes run towards the obtuse, even with people he cares about.
Jesus, it was years ago. The one where we were in England and there were zombies? Were you here for that? I had brothers and parents. Mostly I get brothers for breaches.
Yeah. That's something I think about a lot, 'cause I don't always notice at the time, or like-- appreciate it. Or I haven't always, anyway. The last time we had an open network day I made a big post about all the things I wish I'd said to people when they were here, just in case any of them saw it.
[She curls a little tighter into herself, resting her cheek on her knee, and when she speaks again her voice is quieter.]
I don't remember what started it, like, specifically - like what thing or what person. But I made her feel not safe and not cared about, because of who I talked to and hung out with and liked. She didn't like that I could-- I don't wanna say forgive, because I think I gotta be the victim of something to forgive or not forgive it; otherwise it ain't my place. She didn't like what I could look past. And I get it. Last month I almost stopped hanging out with Rhys over some shit with Betelgeuse. But--
[She pauses for a moment, steadying her voice; her breath.]
I don't wanna change that part of who I am, but sometimes I think about how if Nina was here now, she would be so horrified by me.
Sorry. I just- I catch a lot of flack for that too, at home.
[He doesn't want to get into all of it, all the what, all the who, but.]
To me it's like- it'd be life shattering not to, you know? Like, I am here as a warden, because I believe everyone on this boat has the potential for good. If I don't believe they can be redeemed then we're just fucking torturing them for dumb fun. If I do believe in the barge and that change is possible for each and every one of them, I have to extend that philosophy through my relationships, and yeah, so and so might have such and suched at a certain point in time, but I'm going to be polite to them in the dining hall and have a relationship premised more on who they might become than where they've come from. Not like, being a doormat, but giving more leeway than I'd normally give to the occasional psychopath. I feel like if I'm getting this deal- these deals, fingers crossed, then the price of that is to put up with a fair amount of bullshit during that process.
I'm just being gossipy now, but- what happened with Betelgeuse and Rhys?
[Which is very much not the same as I agree with everything you just said, because both her mindset and her approach are very different. But she sees where he's coming from, and she agrees with parts of the broad framework of it.]
Rhys wasn't even involved. I just got into a bad fight with Betelgeuse - like, really bad. And I was gonna quit doing the advocacy group thing with Rhys because all I could think about was how I didn't wanna hang around somebody who could be boyfriends with that asshole. I wasn't pissed at Rhys and I didn't blame him for anything, and I didn't actually want Betelgeuse to be, like, isolated and alone and without anybody who'd stick by him. I just felt like I didn't wanna be around him or the people who were sticking by him.
But me and Betelgeuse made peace, and I changed my mind, so--
Good. They're both- you know. Like a lot of us. Damaged and weird and sometimes incredibly hurtful without meaning to be, but usually trying their best.
[He feels this with all his heart.]
Not that it'd be weird if you all just didn't fit- but good, anyways.
For me, this isn't about seeing people for who they might become, it's--
[There's a pause as she thinks.]
Alfie Solomons killed people and bombed the ship more than once, but he was still the first person to ever make me feel like I had the right to be angry about being treated wrong. Roderick was a serial killer, but I haven't ever known anyone else that I could talk to the way I could talk to him. Sylvanas killed and tortured me and I fucking hated her for it, but looking back, she was the only person back then who treated me like I was any other person instead of somebody who was in over her head and should be coddled.
[Granted, she had been in over her head, but she's currently of the mind that being thrown into the deep end had, in the long run, not been a bad thing.]
And last month, nobody helped me more than Callisto, who just--
[She smacks her palms together.]
-- she can cut right to the heart of shit sometimes, and I trusted her with things I don't think I would've trusted anybody else with. Maybe don't tell her I said that, though, 'cause she's kind of like a cat who's gonna hiss and scratch and take off if you look at her too hard.
Anyway, I don't wanna get to know people because I think someday they might be worth knowing. I wanna look for the parts that make them worth knowing even now.
[Quentin just smiles- because she's right, in ways he wouldn't have been able to put into words before she said it.]
Hey- fun warden news for you. Callisto smacked into me hard when we were invisible, and then instead of murdering me politely helped me find my glasses where they'd fallen into a snowbank!
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2021-01-28 05:52 pm (UTC)[Reminding himself forcibly, this will pass.]
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Date: 2021-01-28 06:00 pm (UTC)So if Jedao's flirting with him, does that mean you... can't? I mean-- I ain't suggesting you try to start something just because of the breach, I wouldn't wanna do that if I was you either, just-- I don't know how y'all work.
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Date: 2021-01-28 10:36 pm (UTC)[Drawing in a hitching breath.]
Is there tissue somewhere?
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Date: 2021-01-28 10:38 pm (UTC)[She grabs a box off the desk and, wanting to hand it over without getting into his personal space, scoots it across the floor toward him.]
Shit, Quentin; I'm sorry.
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Date: 2021-01-28 10:46 pm (UTC)[He says, grabbing the box, tugging out a tissue and blowing his nose. He isn't crying, he's just kind of getting- facially wet.]
Gross, sorry.
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Date: 2021-01-28 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-28 11:08 pm (UTC)I feel crazy.
[Letting out a wobbly little breath.]
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:12 pm (UTC)[She pulls her legs up onto her chair, wrapping her arms around them.]
You're not crazy at all. Your heart just cares about stuff your head feels like it shouldn't. That doesn't mean your heart is wrong.
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:22 pm (UTC)[He feels like he needs to say.]
I think I maybe came down a little heavy. I'm very head first, heart distant last, so much of the time, and I feel like if you were giving me a taste of my own medicine right now-
Well, thanks.
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:25 pm (UTC)You seem like you have a big heart to me, Quentin. And you got a right to feel whatever you're feeling right now.
[So does Larry, of course, and that holds true even if he decides he feels like forgetting the breach ever happened - but Tiffany doesn't think Quentin would argue that, so it goes unsaid.]
You know, I've only had people I loved a few times in breaches? And not for a long time, unless the Mirror Barge counts.
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:28 pm (UTC)The topic change is a blessing.]
When was your last one?
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:33 pm (UTC)[She frowns slightly, thinking back.]
Jesus, it was years ago. The one where we were in England and there were zombies? Were you here for that? I had brothers and parents. Mostly I get brothers for breaches.
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:48 pm (UTC)[He remembers that world, and can't help but smile.]
I was married to Nina, that time. God, I miss her too. Both of them.
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:51 pm (UTC)Me, too. I was really close with Nina for a while, when she was new, and I knew Eggsy for years.
Does it help or hurt to think about the people you miss?
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Date: 2021-01-28 11:58 pm (UTC)[Blowing his nose again, but this time more in the spirit of recovery than because he's really under it.]
Eggsy was the one who got me into running. I'd never jogged a day in my life before I met him.
But yeah. It does help. They were so good- and it was so nice to have them here, you know? I learned so much from them both.
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:01 am (UTC)Yeah, actually, me too. Didn't draw on my walls, though.
Did you get to tell them that, and thank them? Or did you not figure it out until after?
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:04 am (UTC)[He says, rallying a little at that question.]
It doesn't come naturally all the time, so I work really hard to explicitly tell people things like that, when I notice myself feeling them.
[She may have noticed this about him herself, lately.]
Do it consciously and then it becomes habit, you know?
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:10 am (UTC)[She curls a little tighter into herself, resting her cheek on her knee, and when she speaks again her voice is quieter.]
I really hurt Nina.
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:16 am (UTC)[He admits, just as quietly.]
I never asked what happened, and she never talked about it.
[But it feels wrong to pretend he wasn't there, wasn't tangentially involved, even in just giving Nina a soft landing afterwards.]
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:26 am (UTC)[She pauses for a moment, steadying her voice; her breath.]
I don't wanna change that part of who I am, but sometimes I think about how if Nina was here now, she would be so horrified by me.
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:48 am (UTC)Sorry. I just- I catch a lot of flack for that too, at home.
[He doesn't want to get into all of it, all the what, all the who, but.]
To me it's like- it'd be life shattering not to, you know? Like, I am here as a warden, because I believe everyone on this boat has the potential for good. If I don't believe they can be redeemed then we're just fucking torturing them for dumb fun. If I do believe in the barge and that change is possible for each and every one of them, I have to extend that philosophy through my relationships, and yeah, so and so might have such and suched at a certain point in time, but I'm going to be polite to them in the dining hall and have a relationship premised more on who they might become than where they've come from. Not like, being a doormat, but giving more leeway than I'd normally give to the occasional psychopath. I feel like if I'm getting this deal- these deals, fingers crossed, then the price of that is to put up with a fair amount of bullshit during that process.
I'm just being gossipy now, but- what happened with Betelgeuse and Rhys?
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Date: 2021-01-29 12:55 am (UTC)[Which is very much not the same as I agree with everything you just said, because both her mindset and her approach are very different. But she sees where he's coming from, and she agrees with parts of the broad framework of it.]
Rhys wasn't even involved. I just got into a bad fight with Betelgeuse - like, really bad. And I was gonna quit doing the advocacy group thing with Rhys because all I could think about was how I didn't wanna hang around somebody who could be boyfriends with that asshole. I wasn't pissed at Rhys and I didn't blame him for anything, and I didn't actually want Betelgeuse to be, like, isolated and alone and without anybody who'd stick by him. I just felt like I didn't wanna be around him or the people who were sticking by him.
But me and Betelgeuse made peace, and I changed my mind, so--
[Shrug.]
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Date: 2021-01-29 01:06 am (UTC)[He feels this with all his heart.]
Not that it'd be weird if you all just didn't fit- but good, anyways.
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Date: 2021-01-29 01:29 am (UTC)For me, this isn't about seeing people for who they might become, it's--
[There's a pause as she thinks.]
Alfie Solomons killed people and bombed the ship more than once, but he was still the first person to ever make me feel like I had the right to be angry about being treated wrong. Roderick was a serial killer, but I haven't ever known anyone else that I could talk to the way I could talk to him. Sylvanas killed and tortured me and I fucking hated her for it, but looking back, she was the only person back then who treated me like I was any other person instead of somebody who was in over her head and should be coddled.
[Granted, she had been in over her head, but she's currently of the mind that being thrown into the deep end had, in the long run, not been a bad thing.]
And last month, nobody helped me more than Callisto, who just--
[She smacks her palms together.]
-- she can cut right to the heart of shit sometimes, and I trusted her with things I don't think I would've trusted anybody else with. Maybe don't tell her I said that, though, 'cause she's kind of like a cat who's gonna hiss and scratch and take off if you look at her too hard.
Anyway, I don't wanna get to know people because I think someday they might be worth knowing. I wanna look for the parts that make them worth knowing even now.
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Date: 2021-01-29 01:31 am (UTC)Hey- fun warden news for you. Callisto smacked into me hard when we were invisible, and then instead of murdering me politely helped me find my glasses where they'd fallen into a snowbank!
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