IC INBOX for The Last Voyages

[magician_king]

You know what to do.

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[magician_king]

I want to bring you advil.

But- okay, we can do that part in my room. See you when you wake up.

[ninefox]

See you.

[He makes himself a small pot of green tea, and chokes down a ration bar while it brews. The next morning, although he certainly isn't unaware of having shared most of three bottles of tequila with Miss Iris "time lords DO have two livers" Wildthyme, he feels at least vaguely alive. He kisses Fives and gets to the dining hall early enough to beat the line to the coffee, which he suspects will be a more appreciated offering than the fruit and bacon and hard boiled eggs and muffins he piles together to bring to Quentin's room.

He knocks, albeit softly.]

[magician_king]

Quentin, who is sober as judge, answers the door cheerfully, and smiles when he sees him, offering out two gelcaps on the palm of one hand.

"Good morning, Shuos Jedao. How are you feeling?"

[ninefox]

He manages to smile back, albeit rough and rueful at the edges.

"Honestly, the hangover is taking the edge off the feelings better than being drunk did."

Like a pebble in the shoe of his mind, the simple prosaic discomfort impossible not to focus on. Pain demands to be felt.

(Which is exactly -)

He takes the pills anyway, swallowing them dry.

cw discussion of self harm, masochism, the distinction between the two

[magician_king]

"I'm sorry you're having such a hard month."

He says, and takes the plate from him, moving to usher him inside.

"When you brought up pain last night- is that something you've used before when you felt like this?"

He's a bandaid ripper, is Quentin.

cw discussion of self harm, masochism, the distinction between the two

[ninefox]

It shouldn't be, he thinks. They're all such small losses, considering. But the barge is built to turn people vulnerable - and Jedao was leaning into it.

Open to the process, he told Scott, all those months ago. Nothing he learned as a Shuos could prepare him for the consequences of abandoning his lessons.

He sits against the headboard so he can draw up his knees, small and defensive. He stares at them, and swallows.

"When I was alive I didn't let myself feel like this. When I was dead I didn't have any control of what happened."

Which is - flattering himself, really. His control was good enough to get him through forty years on the front, but not without lapses. And -

"I think there were times that I...let it help. If something happened to me anyway." He remembers lurching around wounded on the way to Candle Arc, trying to keep himself upright through the remembrance, until even Rahal Khorais let him sit down early.

[magician_king]

"Okay."

He agrees, and settles in next to him, putting the plate on the bed so they can both pick at it.

"Does that mean this is the first time you've talked to a partner about doing this on purpose?"

Making himself comfortable too, tucking a pillow down under the small of his back.

[ninefox]

"I've asked partners to hurt me because I like it. Not because I - needed it."

He wants to rub the faint scars on his wrists, so easy to miss compared to all the flashier ones. He doesn't.

"I didn't trust anyone enough for that, anyway."

[magician_king]

"Okay."

Says Quentin, and ducks his head a little, so he can meet his gaze, catch his attention.

"Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose when you were feeling upset or stressed?"

He's touched almost every inch of him, but never noticed the signs.

CW self harm, codependence?

[ninefox]

"Nothing...obvious. I'd train or duel until I couldn't think, or practice things that hurt - dislocating my thumbs and my shoulders for escaping restraints, even when that hadn't been a real risk for years. Nothing I had to admit was about me."

He blows out a rough breath.

"Fives and I are already working each other over with excessive dueling practice. I think I've got him mostly worn out, but it isn't enough."

[magician_king]

"What about sadomasochistic sex?"

Asks Quentin, and then pauses, checks,

"Can I play with your hair while we talk, or is it better if I don't just yet?" This is him working consciously on the level of consent-communication they're going to need to do this safely. "I know that's not what you're asking about, but-"

[ninefox]

"I think. Not - just yet." He's not sure he can handle the sweetness and the old bile at once; even if he could, he mislikes them intermixing.

"But if you sit closer I could lean on you."

[magician_king]

A boundary articulated out loud from Jedao is a rare and precious thing, so he doesn't make a fuss about it- rearranges the plate, rearranges the pillows, and settles in to let Jedao curl up to him.

"Sadomasochistic sex. That's what I know most about, so that's where I'm inclined to start, even if we don't fuck while I'm hurting you."

[ninefox]

"I like it. But only sometimes, and I couldn't exactly schedule flings around my moods. Command didn't allow me much leave. And I couldn't - let myself go very deep. Let anyone see that I had anything to be upset about, for me to need - that kind of. Intensity. Bondage was safer. I could let go without betraying myself."

He tips his head onto Quentin's shoulder, fingers tugging at his own pant cuffs, frustrated with himself, feeling like he ought to be more helpful, but not sure how.

[magician_king]

"Okay."

He says, and lets out a breath, thinking through all the questions he could ask, and settling on;

"So tell me a snippet, of what you imagined when you thought of me last night?"

They're so close he can ask quietly, the most private secret imaginable.

[ninefox]

"It wasn't - properly a plan. Just...screaming, white-out, rest. I like the image of being whipped but it probably wouldn't actually break me. And the marks would cause problems. Same for knives."

He touches Quentin's ankle, small strokes with his fingertips.

"Mostly I was just thinking that if you hated the idea, you'd be okay to tell me no."

[magician_king]

"Screaming."

Echoes Quentin, and reaches down, running a thoughtful touch down his forearm. It's not a 'no,' but it is a reevaluation.

"You're looking for a catharsis?"

[ninefox]

"Yes," he says, with a gust of breath, weariness and relief. "Or - escape? Or maybe both."

[magician_king]

"No marks-"

He says, absently, the realizes;

"-would it upset Fives? I won't keep secrets from him, but I don't mind not explaining the full extent of what's happening to you that doesn't leave cuts or bruises."

[ninefox]

"Yes."

He knows it, and part of him already resents Fives for it, for the sheer hypocrisy of treasuring the burns Jedao put on him while being so perturbed by seeing Jedao hurt. It's not kind, it's not fair, it makes perfect sense if Jedao steps away from it. It's not like Jedao didn't know what he was getting into, for all Fives' bravado about being equals off the battlefield. He's thirteen years old and Jedao is his general. Weakness isn't a luxury Fives can always afford him, and it's a small enough sacrifice for everything Fives has given him.

But he has too much skullfucked time here. He can't just box things up and crush them into the pit and focus on the next battle like he used to be able to. It all spills out, bleeds out, crawls through his cracks like a tide of ants. He needs - scouring, before it all nibbles him to down to the bone. Before he does something worse and it doesn't even work.

"I know I should just. Handle it. But I don't. I don't know." How.

[magician_king]

"So I do know a little about this, because my best friend was super into it. I lack experience, but have what you could call a pretty healthy theoretical grounding."

He explains, quietly, lips against the top of his head.

"But what worries me, is this. In our time on earth it's usually paired with a fair amount of power exchange. Of dominance and submission. And I know you've got some buttons there that we probably don't want to push right now. It means we have to be extremely careful how we craft what we're about to do."

But saying, right up front, what they will do.

[ninefox]

"I don't know what's complicated about just not doing what you tell me," Jedao says, even as his body sags a little against Quentin in silent relief. "And then not being made to regret it. But if you want to be careful, we can be careful."

[magician_king]

"There's like, this point five band range of things you are naive about, and this is in it."

Says Quentin, arms folding tight around him, just for a heartbeat.

"But I'll get you through it. So- what I need, is for you to have three safewords. A silent one, for when you're gagged, one that means stop everything get me down and one to mean the thing you're doing isn't good but if you readjust we should keep going."

[ninefox]

"If we're being careful, maybe you just shouldn't gag me," Jedao points out, which he considers his good-faith contribution to the entire concept of caution, even though the immersion of being gagged sounds wonderful.

He holds up his right hand as if he were gripping a throwing knife, thumb against the tips of his index and middle fingers, fourth finger and pinky tucked against his palm. Sword and gun grips would be more instinctive but less distinctive for Quentin to see, and his hand won't forget this one either. He considers the longer gesture of a grip flip, but that seems unnecessarily complicated.

"Abort." Canceling a mission gone wrong will play better with his panic response, if he has one, than admitting a weakness. "Roses."

Because fuck the Andan.

[magician_king]

"If I'm doing magic on you, I can't be sure that soundproofing charms won't interact with them."

He supplies, quietly, by way of explanation.

"And I think I need to do a lot of magic to run this effectively. I also think I don't have the personality to punish you for failing to follow orders. I'd rather just- be something that happens to you that you can't control."